You See, The Thing About Brawley Is……

During my last trip to Brawley (Christmas) I did a lot of observing around the town and started to realize how much I miss it sometimes. When I was in high school, I swore to myself that I would move far away and never look back. Well, except during holidays and visitations to my family. I had this picture in my mind that I would live in a big city like San Diego, Los Angeles, and New York. My senior year came and I knew that whichever farthest college accepted me, I would go. My first acceptance letter came from San Francisco State University. I was beyond excited! But by the time graduation came, two more college acceptances, and one rejection, I wasn’t ready to leave. And even though I swore to my best friend Andrea that I would never go to I.V.C. (Imperial Valley College – local community college), I ended up there my first two years of college. I remember not feeling disappointed and not regretting leaving Brawley right after high school. While attending I.V.C., I still had dreams of living somewhere far away and working in the big city. But………when it came to applying to colleges to transfer, I kind of wanted to stay somewhere close. And now that I look back at it, what was I trying to get away from?

Brawley is like the sweater that keeps you warm in the cold, the fresh fountain drink that cools you in the heat (well in this case, very bad heat), and the place where everybody knows everybody. It’s a place where no matter who you are, you will get a smile from strangers. You could even get a smile from the homeless people who hang outside the donut shop. After they ask you for some change of course. It’s where Johnny’s was first created, where we spend a dollar a day for sweat tea with sugar and lemon from the donut shop, and where every November we host our annual Cattle Call Rodeo and everyone dresses up as a cowboy. And even though sand rats invade all of our gas stations during their Glamis trips, it’s ok because Brawley is very welcoming to its outsiders.

So, when it was time to transfer from IVC, I quickly realized that I needed to transfer somewhere that was close enough. I wanted to go to school somewhere close enough to drive home in an emergency or just when I felt like seeing my family. I, like many Imperial County kids, opted for SDSU. However, SDSU did not opt for me. Twice!! Once in high school and again transferring out of IVC. Yes, it was disappointing but if it weren’t for their rejection I wouldn’t have had the wonderful opportunities CSUSM has brought me.

So now that I’ve been out of Brawley for six years, I find myself wondering if I’ll ever move back. To be honest, I think one day I will, but not any time soon. I still have those dreams of living in the “big city.” Except that the “big city” is now in another country. As I pursue my ambition for higher education and a fantastic writing career, I plan on traveling when I turn 30 and living in a different country each year. And while I’m in a different country each year experiencing new cultures and learning new languages, I will be thinking about the small town of Brawley, Ca. Nowhere else will it take two minutes to get to the bank. In my current city, if I want to go to the bank, it will take me about 10 minutes even though the bank is as far from my apartment as it is in Brawley from my mom’s house where I grew up.

But what makes Brawley so special is its homely feeling one gets when living or visiting there. I always say that it’s a great place to raise kids. Not that I’ll ever have any. Sorry mom! But I do plan on possibly retiring there. Even though it’s a small little town with not much going on, the people there are very hard to forget. I mean look at us!! We were so bored with Brawley that we even made sand fun with Glamis! We even created Dippy Duck because too many kids were bored and started swimming in the canals. The small things don’t make Brawley. It’s the people who make Brawley. What better to have than to be surrounded by people who all want the same thing? A home. Brawley is home. And even as it grows, just like when it got its own Wal-Mart, we remain humble and welcoming.

I remember the first time I left Brawley. I was 20 and moved into the dorms at CSUSM on August 2003. I purposely decided not to go to Brawley until the following Thanksgiving so that I can well-adjust myself living in a new city and learn how to be on my own without my family and friends. Needless to say, I didn’t last :( I surprised everyone on a Friday night when my family was celebrating my sisters Lupe and Vanessa’s birthday, which is right before Halloween. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming and just showed up. I always remember that night so vividly. As I drove in from the 86 by the hospital, my heart began to race and I started to think “Man! It’s been two months and it already looks different!” I pulled into my mom’s house where the celebration was taking place and I heard someone say “Is that Chena!?” (Chena is my family knick name). I come out of the car and I hear “IT IS CHENA!!” It was the most beautiful welcome I had ever received! It almost made me cry. My mom, my sisters, my brother in-laws, my nieces, my nephews, (I don’t think Edgar was there at the time), and even my dog all welcomed me with big hugs! When I walked into the house and saw Lupe’s reaction, my heart just melted with the all the love I felt. Even Andrea (my best friend of 13 years and who everyone in my family calls “the adopted one”) was there celebrating the birthdays with my family. That’s how welcoming everyone is. Later on that night I remember Lupe telling me “I was just thinking earlier today how much I wish you were here with us. You really made my birthday sister!” I know! I totally felt a little popular in that moment haha! And like the luckiest person in the world to have people like them around me.

So even though I wanted to move away from a small town like Brawley, it still has my heart. And I’m sure a lot of my peers would agree. Why do you think so many of us only move far enough for a couple of hours drive? So we can be that close.

Here’s to you Brawley! May you bring many more generations of whole-hearted people and welcome all strangers.

I Dreamed A Little Dream

Vent time: Sorry for the corny stuff everyone but I just had to write about this. A couple nights ago I had a dream about my late brother Salvador Lua who passed away when I was 18 years old in 2001. He was 35 years old, married to our sister-in-law Sylvia, and has a little girl we all call Miniquis. I often write/talk about him and praise him for stepping into our lives as the father figure after my dad Rafael Lua passed away in May 1995. For those of you who know me well, I often get dreams about my dad and Chava (Salvador’s nick name). And sometimes there are a little hard to handle. I’ve actually written about this before as you may see in my previous blogs. But this dream was a very sweet dream that felt so real. It wasn’t sad or depressing. It only got sad when I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Well anyway, in the dream Chava, Sylvia and Miniquis were living in Indio, which is about an hour away from our hometown of Brawley, and owned a very successful Mexican restaurant. On a Saturday afternoon, my brother Edgar, my sister Vanessa, my mother, and I all went to go visit them for the day. We had lunch at his restaurant and then went and spent the day at his beautiful house with his family. It felt as if nothing ever happened. So un-interrupted and peaceful. It was beautiful. So, inspired by my dream, I decided to write a little poem about it. I hope you like it.


I dreamed a little dream

It wasn't real but yet realistic
I swear I could hear your voice
I saw you there with your girls
Now my eyes begin to moist

You welcomed us like you always did
With open arms into your home
You’re little one calling you “dad”
It’s so hard to write this poem

Seeing a “could have been” life
Wondering if you would have been this happy
It’s not fair, my 18 years were still short
But I consider myself lucky

It doesn’t matter how much time may pass
Or endless prayers I send over the moon
My scars have yet to be healed
My heart is still an open wound

The clitter clatter of your keys
The breathy sound of your laughter
The simple things one can miss
The simple things you think of after

Your devotion to our mother
The protection you bestowed upon me
The love you had for us all
We carry whole-heartedly

Though we don’t see you every day
We’re known for all having the same eyes
I see you at the sight of Edgar or a sister
Maybe I never have to say goodbye

But for now keep visiting my dreams
They’re all I’ve got and hang on to
They may make me cry
But at least in them I get to love you

Love Always,
Your Sister Chena

In The Spirit of Halloween……(I know! It’s late!)

I know I’m a few days late for posting this Halloween blog, but I figured “better late than never.” In the spirit of Halloween’s ghosts and goblins, I wanted to re-count some of my past frightening moments I’ve had.

I’m not much of a scaredy cat. As a matter of fact, I love scary movies and have loved them ever since I was a kid. I never had nightmares or thought that “Jason” or “Freddy Krueger” was going to attack me. The things that did scare me were the ones that started with “based on a true story.” Whenever a scary film or a novel starts off with “based on true story,” that makes me question the legitimacy of the story. If it says it’s true, then did it really happen?

Let me start off with my earliest memory of being frightened by something “based on a true story.” I remember my family and I were living in New Campo, which is a poor sub-division in Brawley, where the rent is cheap. My younger relatives and I called it the “fancy projects” because they were two-story attached apartment homes and nicer looking than the real projects. Anyway, I think I was about 8 or 9 years old and I remember we were all getting ready to go to Mexicali one night. While I was sitting in the living room, I was watching the local news that was broadcasting from Mexicali. I was watching a news segment in Spanish talking about how some owners of a restaurant believe their restaurant was haunted. The camera crew followed the owner around the restaurant and showed them the restroom where the customers complained about creepy noises and strange activity. I didn’t think too much of it at the moment I was watching it, but got a little scared. I thought “well, we don’t live in Mexicali so I think we’re fine.”

About an hour later we were all in Mexicali and everyone decided to have dinner there. I wasn’t sure the name of the restaurant we went to but it was at a Chinese food place. The moment I walked into that restaurant, I felt this blanket of fear over my body. I balded my eyes and thought to myself “Oh my God! This looks exactly like that restaurant!” I took my seat closest to my mom and dad and tried to stay as far away from the restroom as I could. Until, however, my mother told me “Ve lavate las manos” (Wash your hands). I screamed in my head “QUEEEEEE!?” (Whaaaaat!?). The restaurant already looked exactly like the one in the news segment and I was not about to find out if the restroom was the same too. But I braved myself and slowly walked to the restroom almost frozen with fear. To my biggest fear, at that time, the restroom looked exactly the same I had seen a couple hours before on the news segment. I walked slowly like I was walking on eggshells, washed my hands as quickly as possible, and ran out! I don’t remember ever telling my mom I was scared, I just remember dealing with it.

Later on that night when we were all home, I laid on my bed very still not wanting to move because I didn’t want to reflect any attention on me. I remember closing my eyes and trying to fall asleep when I SWEAR TO YOU I felt hands on my neck!!! I thought…..IT FOLLOWED ME! IT FOLLOWED ME!!! I sharply opened my eyes and started to slowly make my way to the door. I was sharing a room with my sister Carmen and we had really squeaky floors so I was trying to be as quiet as possible. As I was tip-toeing across the room, almost to the door knob so I can get to my mom and dad, a squeaky sound submerged and Carmen woke up! “What are you doing Chena! Go back to bed!” Having to listen to my sisters just like I listen to my mother, I turned around and slept in fear that night!

I don’t remember how I got over this fear but it was rather quickly. I seem to get over fears like this quickly all the time. Ok so the second one was a little harder on me than the first one. When the movie “Fire in the Sky” first came out I was excited to see it. As I usually am with scary movies. However, when I saw in the subtitles “based on a true story,” I probably should have stopped watching it! I was just ten years old when this movie came out and I had seen it at the drive-in theater with some family members. The thing that really freaked me out was all the things the aliens did to that poor guy. I remember when the movie was over all I would do is look up at the sky and make sure I don’t see anything “suspicious.” I remember I couldn’t sleep for weeks thinking that I was going to be abducted! But the more time passed, the less fear I felt and was soon back to normal. I stopped looking for aliens. To this day, I will NOT watch that movie again! I’d rather go on the rest of my life not believing in them.

Throughout my teenage years, there really wasn’t much I was afraid of. By then the fear of “la mano peluda” and “la llorona” had already resided. For those of you who don’t know “la mano peluda” is this freakishly-looking hand that comes out at night to attack kids. And, “la llorona” is the crying women that appears at night looking for her children but when she can’t find them, she grabs any child that is near her. Both of these urban legends were and are still big in the Latin community. In my early and late teen years, it was more about spirits. I especially had an interest when my dad and brother died. I remember one night my mom had told me that she had woken up to the smell of flowers in her room and when she opened her eyes, she saw a blue glow next to the bathroom door. She said it didn’t scare her, but instead comforted her. She said she felt it was my dad coming by to see her. Another time we experienced something like this was when my mother, myself, my brother Edgar, and Vanessa were all in the living room and dining room having breakfast. Right before, we were about to leave for school, we heard what sounded like a window sliding to be closed. It wasn’t a loud, angry sound, but more of a “oh let’s not leave until we close that window” sound. It was strange, but not scary. At that moment, I remember thinking “oh it’s probably Dad!”

One more fright past before I get to my current spooks. When I was 20, I had moved out of Brawley to go to school at CSUSM. When I arrived at the dorms, I was lucky to be friends with a girl named Clarissa who I had met through my sister Lupe. Clarissa and I were close right from the beginning. Being from the same area and our families knowing eachother, it was easy to get a long with her. One day when she was visiting her family, I had called her home number to see if she was available to talk because she hadn’t answered her cell phone. Her dad answered and said “Hola, que paso mija” thinking that I was Clarissa calling the house. I quickly said “No, it’s Jessenia. Is Clarissa there?” After I had hung up the phone, I had this sudden realization that I will never have a conversation like that in my life. I will never have my dad asking me how I’m doing, I will never have my dad call me “mija” again, and I will never talk to my dad on the other end of the phone. A somber feeling came over me and all I could do is cry. That night before I went to bed, I opened my window and lifted the curtains. I looked at the stars and began to pray to my dad and brother telling them how much I miss them. I closed my eyes to go to sleep but when I couldn’t, I looked up to stare at the sky again. When I was looking at the sky, I suddenly saw two big sparkling stars close to eachother. They were not there a moment before when I was praying. I remember thinking “Hi Apa. Hi Chava.” I know! This really sounds crazy, but I wouldn’t write about it if I didn’t believe it was them comforting me and reminding me that they’ll always be there for me. Ok, so this wasn’t so much of a scary thing, but more of a strange spiritual thing.

Some of my current spooks haven’t been that bad. I don’t really believe in ghosts but that’s because I haven’t seen one. Or, maybe I have? In my junior year in high school, Andrea and I were at Mariko’s house working on a project and when we were finished my mother came by to pick us up. As Andrea and I were approaching the car, I usually take the front seat, we saw a figure sitting in the front seat so we both went around to the back. We thought it was Vanessa sitting there and while we were on our way home, I asked “what ya doing Vanessa?” It got quiet. My mom said “La Vanessa esta en la casa” (Vanessa’s at the house). Andrea and I looked at eachother with surprise were like “What!?” We both swear we saw someone sitting in the front seat!

Ok that’s enough of the past! Well, not too long ago when I was living with my girls at Barham in San Marcos, we thought we had a ghost in our apartment. We had lips smeared on our hallway mirror and a hand print that belonged to none of us. Marybel swore that she saw a man standing by her bed one night. It spooked her so bad that she asked Andrea to sleep with her. I didn’t believe in this ghost that was living with us until I was in our garage. One night I was in our garage bent down vacuuming the floor matts of my car when I felt fingers walking on my back. I yelled “Andrea stop it! I’m ticklish!” I continued to feel the tickling up my back so I laughed saying “Andrea stop it! haha!” and when I turned around, nobody was there. Um…..yeah…..I believed it then. I think that was the only time I ever experienced anything there. Andrea and Marybel experienced more I think.

So do I believe in ghosts? I don’t know. Do I believe in spirits? Not sure. Do I believe in aliens? I hope not! Even though I love scary movies, I cannot watch them alone. I prefer to watch them with someone else. It might creep me out for a bit but only momentarily. I like the suspense behind it all. I think it’s exciting and fun! I think a part of the reason why I never really got scared of scary movies was because my mom would always tell me that it’s not real. I remember she would always say that nothing scares her. And everytime she said it, I believed her. Until one day I was lying on her bed, I think I was 17 or 18, and I asked her “So, you’re not scared of anything mom?” and she said “Si, nada me da miedo” (yea, nothing scares me). At that moment I felt protected and safe. But then she added “Pero cuando los perros ladran sin saber que esta causando que ladren tanto, eso me asusta porque los animals pueden ver lo que los humanos no pueden” (But when the dogs bark without knowing what is causing them to bark and behave strangely, that scares me because animals see things that humans can’t). And now, everytime I hear a dog bark, I better find out why the hell that damn dog is barking! Hope you had a wonderful Halloween!

Jessenia Lua

P.S. I posted some pictures of my girls and I dressed for Halloween this year! Yes, we were cholas! Orale esa! Broleñas all the way!


Oh and a quick shout out to my sisters Vanessa, Lupe, and Mary! All October babies! Happy Birthday Hermanas! I love you!

Ode To The Offspring of My Siblings

Ok, I swear this’ll be the last corny thing I write about. I have plenty of interesting topics to write about, but nothing inspires me more than my own family. So, stay tuned…….

One of the greatest things about coming from a large family is that there are that many more people in your life to love. The great thing about being one of the youngest in my family is that I get to see my oldest siblings have children. Aaaaah yes! The joys of children! Not that I don’t enjoy children, but I don’t imagine myself ever having any. Of course, that statement alone isn’t set in stone, so that could change in my future. However, for now, I take pride and love from the ones my siblings have, or hopefully will have in their future. Together I have eight nieces and nephews. Some close to my age, and one just under two years old. I hold a very distinct relationship with each and every one of them and no matter how long it has been since I’ve last seen or spoken to them, the love I have for them is as fresh as a ripe orange.

Starting with Josh, who can make you laugh at the drop of a dime, even though he and I have had our differences before, his quick sarcastic puns will keep you laughing after a couple hours the joke was told. Josh and I are the same age, actually he’s a month older, and I was always jealous of how much smarter he is than me in everything. We once took a history class together in Jr. College and I would always study very hard for that class, but he wouldn’t. I would get so angry at how he could easily answer all of the professor’s questions without looking for the answers. I would be flipping through my notes while he just blurted out the answers. “Jackass!” I would think to myself. Yeah I know it was mean of me to think that, but I was jealous of the fact that he knew all the answers even though he didn’t even study! But that was kind of expected from Josh. He has always been so smart without even trying. Kind of like my brother Edgar. I remember after school when Edgar and I would do our homework together. He would be sitting at the dining table for one hour, while I was there for almost five hours trying to finish. And guess who brought home the 4.0 gpa? Not me! I was lucky if I got by with a 3.0. I remember the difference in our high school graduating class. He was a proud number nine out of his entire class. While I was a lousy 83 in mine. Yup! That’s quite a difference! To this day, I still wish I was more like him.

Anyway, following Josh is his sister Johanna, who always seems to get caught in everything she tries to hide (sorry Jo, but this is true and everyone knows it). Her obvious subtle ways to be discrete are always disrupted by not being able to hide the proper way. It’s kind of like a square trying to hide in a circle so to speak. That’s why she would always get into trouble, because her corners would always be popping out from the circle! And you know this is true Jo!! But whether people know this or not, Jo has a true devotion to her family that took a while to come out. It might have taken a while to come out and be able to recognize it, but you know what……..I think it was worth the wait. I see that devotion in her now more than anything and I think the mistakes she has made in her past shaped her for that, which is actually the case in many of us. Another thing I admire about her is her talent in poetry. I know she doesn’t show much of it at all, but what I have been lucky enough to read goes far beyond what I could imagine writing myself. She has a true talent.

And following Johanna is her younger brother Giovanni. Giovanni! Giovanni! Giovanni! You, who I remember trying to put to sleep when you were a baby so you would stop crying. You, who hung from my hair like swing mad at me for not letting you go to the store with me. You, who almost overnight I realized that you are becoming (or actually already are) a young man. Just like Johanna, you too have a devotion to your family. I see the kind of relationship you have with your dad and I incredibly admire that. If only I could be so lucky. I see wonderful things in your future and I hope you don’t let anything stop you.

And now I come to Marybel, or for those of us in our family, Mari. My sister Mary’s only daughter. Oh man, there isn’t enough time to write about my partner in crime. All the trouble we got into, all the joys we’ve been through and hoping for much more to come. I know our relationship goes from strong to weak, weak to strong, like a teeter totter, but in the end we always balance out because we mean that much to each other. Just like last Thursday when I went over to your apartment and we hugged each other because we hadn’t seen each other in a while even though we live like ten mils apart. I know our lives can take us in different directions but hugs like the one we had last Thursday always connects me back to you. I know I’ll always have you and you’ll always have me.

Now it’s time for Estefania, or for those of us in our family, Miniquis. I wish we could see more of you but I understand the conflictions that come between our families. But everytime I see you, it’s a little reminder of your dad Chava (late brother). I always remember the time when I went to your dad’s house and he was holding you asking you to repeat something he taught you to say. He taught you to say “tres cinco cinco” and when you would repeat it, it would come out “tes ico ico” and he would bust out laughing!! You sounded so cute trying to say those three words. I think that with your dad’s death you matured faster than you needed to, which isn’t always a bad thing, but it would have been nice for your dad to see that. It would have been nice for your dad to see what a wonderful little girl you are, and the wonderful lady you will become.

Next up on my list (don’t worry, I’m almost done) are my sister Lupe’s kids Gessell, Brandon, and Savina. Let me start with Savina! Ay Savina! Savina! I don’t think there’s a more perfect name for you. You came into a perfect time in our lives a year and a half ago. Born on our late dad’s birthday, you literally brought everyone to tears on that day. I still can’t believe that the doctor let that many Mexicans in that hospital room! Do you guys remember? Everybody was in there! Even Carlos!! I know I missed your birth by like six seconds (and trust me, I was upset. I was cussing at the old lad in the elevator for moving too slow and my mom was yelling at me “calmate!!”) But, I think the right person was in that delivery room with you. I think it was better her than me. Not that I didn’t want to be there, because I did!

Now……Brandon! Oh Brandon! I see that you have your mother’s heart and your dad’s spirit. You take care of Gessell as if you were her big brother, when in fact, she’s a few years older than you. I always remember you’re reaction when I would ask you “Brandon, what would you do if Gessell had a boyfriend?” and you would angrily respond “I would beat him up!” while punching your fist into your hand making sure you show Gessell that you are her protector. You may be a younger brother, but your older brother characteristics show more devotion to your sister. And I’m sure you’ll be just an awesome older brother to Savina.

Lastly, but definitely not least, there is Gessell. You are growing up so fast before my eyes that I have to remind myself not to talk to you like a little girl anymore. I keep having to remind myself that you are a young woman now and I am damn proud that you asked me to be your nina (godmother for communion and confirmation). I’m sure everyone knows this, but you and I have a strange connection that is almost unexplainable. From the moment you were born, to the last time I saw you, we bond in a way that is stronger than friends but more than family. I know right! It doesn’t make sense! But maybe that’s the good thing about it. Great things don’t always have to be explained. That’s why they’re great and unique! There is so much about you that I admire. Your creativity, your generosity, your honesty, and most of all, your heart. I see so much of your mom in you and just like many of us, you hold your family deeply close to your heart. I remember your dad telling me this and I hope he doesn’t get upset with me for writing this, but I remember he said “Man, I feel like Gessell is so good right now that she is setting the standard too high for anything else she does. I feel like I will be very disappointed the day she falls in love because I can’t choose that person for her. I can’t be the one to say ‘choose this guy, he’s the best one.’” (quote is not word for word, just based on what I remember from that conversation.) That showed me how proud your dad is of you. We are all so very proud of you and I am for sure excited what your future brings. You are such a bright and intelligent young lady and I trust that whatever direction you choose to take your life in, it will be at your greatest attempt. You see people for who they truly are and give chances to those who deserve them. I always remember telling you “Be nice to someone because you want to be. Don’t be mean because everyone else is.” And based on the conversations we have had, I trust that you truly have a kind heart.

Well, this is the last of them. I don’t know what made me decide to write about my nieces and nephews. Maybe it’s because I wanted to recognize a piece of my extended family for a bit. Either way, thank you for reading and I hope you leave nice comments :)

Jessenia Lua
Your Tia!

A Letter To The Lua Sisters……

Not too long ago, I decided to write a letter to my sisters. I think it was around the time I moved into my own apartment and was feeling the difference between having roommates around me to suddenly living alone. After I wrote this letter, I made several copies of it and sent it to all of my sisters including my late brother’s wife Sylvia. I’ve always considered her family no matter what. Anyway, below is my letter to them. I hope it inspires you to stay close or re-build a relationship with your loved ones. Enjoy…

Dear Lua Sisters,

Even though I don’t talk to you everyday, I think about you everyday. I know it seems like it’s an impossibility, but it is impossible to not think about you everyday. Even if it’s for a fraction of a second, you are in my mind every single day. Just like Dad and Chava. Yes, they are gone but ever since they left, they remain in my heart and in my mind everyday. It’s not something that I have to remind myself to do; it’s just something that happens. Not out of habit, but out of natural life almost. I feel like I cannot function my day without the thought of you. Whether I’m walking to my car, doing my laundry, or picking up some groceries, you are still in my heart and in my mind. I know it sounds weird to others. But, not really to me. When I pray about you, I feel like God sends a magical orb around you and your families to protect you. And when that happens, it makes me feel so safe. I may be physically far from you but you’re less than a conscious second away. I look at you in ways that always inspire. Inspire me to be better, to know more, and to believe in miracles because of your sole presence in my life. I always thank god for the blessings of you. Having sisters like you is like having many layers of arms ready to catch me when I fall. There is no better feeling of that security. I thank our amazing parents for creating the lives of eight amazing children. Many things can go wrong with so much responsibility, but the right things were taught to us the right way that we’ve managed to stay together. I wouldn’t exactly say managed because it seems like it was effortless. An effortless love that exist among us all. We are so lucky that it doesn’t feel like we have to try to love one another because we naturally do. I cherish the mental connection between all of us. I say mental connection because in my mind I always picture a “connect the dot” pattern connecting us no matter where we are. And, no matter where I am and what I’m doing, I’ll always be thinking of you, my sisters. I love you.

From your sister Chena,
Jessenia Lua Garcia

UPDATE!!!

It’s hard to not start this update on my money problems and not think about how blessed I am to have my family and my job. First off, I knew that when I wrote that last blog about my money problems, that I would get criticism from my family and friends. Well, mostly from my family. I was expecting the “You need to be more responsible…” speeches and I understand the need for that to be said to me. If it were my younger sister going through the same thing, I would probably be giving her that same speech. However, I didn’t write it so that I can have people feel sorry for me or have them offer me financial help. If you look at the record of my past blogs, you’ll notice that a lot of them include stories about my family, but mostly they include my late dad and brother. I tend to write about what’s on my mind. And during the time I wrote that last blog, my money problem was consuming my brain. It was overwhelming me so much that I couldn’t even concentrate on my school work. I had already accepted the help of my mom when she offered it and I shamefully took it. It’s not easy asking for help, but being as close to my mom as I am, I took her help even though I didn’t want to. And I know that my mom is so deeply connected to all her kids, that when one of us stresses, she stresses. I know I stressed her a lot on that phone call, but to be honest, I don’t feel I could talk to anyone else like I do with her. Maybe this is one part of my life that I truly need to change. But asking me to not talk to my mom in the moments I feel that I need to, is like asking her to disappear. And I could not handle that. I just got a little teary-eyed thinking about it. But I do know this…….I don’t ever want to be in this situation again and am learning how to fix it myself. So hopefully this will never happen again and I will never have to call my mom with a similar phone call. I learn a lot from my mom, even in my desperate times, and I think she learns from me. I trust her enough to tell her my secrets (even though I may not have many) and I trust her to always love her kids. I was certain that she was going to tell all my sisters that I had a boyfriend this summer, but to my surprise, she kept it a secret because I had asked her to. It’s like every year she becomes more of this angelic figure in my life that I wish I could be. One day I will write a book about her. A woman like her needs to leave a legacy. And I hope to capture it in my words and in the words of everyone she whole-heartedly touched.

Now, with mom’s help I was able to get over a little speed bump before I had to climb a huge mountain that was followed by the speed bump. Enter: walmart! I obtained a second job working nights and weekends at walmart to help me pay off the check advances I got myself into. Yes it totally sucks working there but I need the job! A typical weekly schedule would be wake up at 7:30am, be at my full time job by 9am, leave my full time job by 5:30pm, change and get to walmart by 6pm, cashier for 4 ½ hours to rude people who constantly complain about the long lines, get hit on by old greasy short men (yes, this is actually true), leave walmart by 10:30pm, pass out when I get home (not even thinking about homework), and wake up to repeat it all over again (except on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I had night class). And of course let’s not forget the weekend shift, which included 8-hour shifts where my feet begin to hurt so badly from standing on them all day.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll last. With the check advances I got myself into, I thought I was going to have to do this until Christmas came. However, my boss at my full time job (where I’ve been at for more than four years) was able to help me out in this situation. I sat across her desk and explained to her what I was going through. With tuition, the check advances, and the late school loan that I was supposed to recieve, I had fallen way behind. She asked me “Ok, how much do you need to cover all of it?” I was embarrassed to say, but I told her. And within a matter of minutes, the check was written and I was off to the bank. At that moment, I felt so incredibly blessed. Yes, I do have to pay that money back, but with no interests and it will slowly be deducted out of my future paychecks at the amount I am able to pay.

At the suggestion of my sister Lupe, I started a balance sheet. I started it so that I can closely watch my finances and never have to borrow from check advances again or from anyone. I’ll slowly but surely be able to pay back my mom, sister Mary, and my job. But for now…..I’ll just count my blessings. Thank You.

Jessenia Lua

Woe To Me And My Freakin’ Money Problems :(

Ok so I have about a million ideas to blog about, but lately I haven’t had much of a drive to write about anything other than to woe in my current financial situation. Yes, it is embarrassing to discuss such financial matters but I’m sure I’m not hiding anything when I traded my free nights and weekends to a second job as a cashier at walmart. This isn’t to say that my Monday through Friday 9 to 5 job doesn’t pay well, because it does. I just fell into this deep hole of having to borrow from one of those cash advance places, pay them back, and then borrow again because I can’t fully pay them back in one spot. And the most embarrassing part of it all is that I have more than one advance. I won’t say how many because that is beyond my embarrassment tolerance level. I only told one friend and I trust her enough not to say anything. She has been there for me during my “I’m so freakin’ broke” crying fits. Heck, she was even listening to me cry about it last night! Thanks girl!

The thing that bothers me the most is that I don’t even remember how it got started. It’s like an endless evil cycle. Let me paint you a picture of how you can go from having one advance to…..well……more than one, cause I still won’t say how many I have. So, you’re short on cash and probably need about an extra $80 bucks or so to get you through your next paycheck. You probably wouldn’t have been short $80 bucks if you hadn’t gone out to eat so much, spent money on Mac makeup, or bought that shirt at Fashion Bug. You go to your nearest advance location and ask to borrow some money. If you qualify, and I did, you can borrow up to $300 dollars. However, their fee is $45 dollars, so in return you would only walk out with $255 dollars even though you only needed $80. Now you have all this extra money and are thinking “Hmmm…what to spend it on….” So by your next paycheck, you have to return to the advance location and pay them back those $300 dollars. Since you spent all that money, even though you were only looking for $80 bucks, you will have $300 missing from your next paycheck. That is a significant difference in someone’s paycheck, especially mine. So, you think: “I can’t afford to pay them back now, so I’ll borrow again.” So, you walk out with another $255 dollars but now you lost $45 dollars because of their fee. You don’t want to lose that $45 dollars, so you find another advance location to cover that missing gap. Yes, it’s silly because it’s only $45 dollars, but when you can’t afford to even miss that money, you find a way to cover it. AND, since you qualify for the maximum amount to borrow, you go ahead and take it all. So now, you got two advances from these loan places. So, you’re next paycheck comes and BAM! $600 dollars out of your check to pay for those two advance loans. You start to think: “Well, I can’t afford to pay off $600 dollars right now, so I’ll borrow again.” But this time, that $45 dollar fee goes up to $90 since you have two loans. You don’t want to lose those $90 bucks so you go to another payday advance location. And it just goes on and on until you can’t handle it anymore. Doing these bi-weekly routines has hit a heavy financial hole in my paychecks and quite frankly, my friends…….I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Hence: the second job at walmart to pay the advances off!!!

On top of all these advances and their stupid fees that have put me in a hole that seems impossible to dig myself out of, I’ve got other things to worry about. My rent, my utility bills, my mom’s bills, my tuition, my books, a project I will be working with a friend that will require heavy funding, and now for the cherry on top…..my freakin’ car. The moment I heard that clitter clatter and the sound of two metal pieces grinding together from the back of my car, I just lost it and began to cry. I couldn’t even concentrate in class last night. Tears were silently rolling down my face as I tried to read the lecture notes displayed on the professor’s projector. I was sitting there puffy-eyed and red-nosed stressed out over the fact that I literally have no money to pay whatever bill lies ahead of me including my car repair. I think the professor saw me crying, but I quickly put my head down. I sat there unable to concentrate so I started writing a prayer letter to God. I wrote in very small print so the student sitting next to me wouldn’t be able to read it and I also wrote it in Spanish just in case He didn’t get it in English. I wrote it hoping that He could hear me, read the letter, and help me get through this tough time. I’ve never felt so desperate before in my life. It is not a good feeling to have.

For those of you who have never been driven to tears due to the lack of money, let me explain it just a little. You feel as though you’ve run out of options and have nothing to turn to. All you see are these problems in front of you without any solutions. Nothing can change your mood. And, if you’re caught off guard by a joke you heard someone tell, you smile for a mere moment, but are quickly snapped back to your reality and continue in your pain.

I’ve gotten myself in these kinds of messes before, but nothing this big. And usually, my sister Mary is there to bail me out. But I don’t have the courage to ask for her help again. Also, I still owe her money from the last time she let me borrow. She has kindly deferred my payments to her until I can get on my feet again.

The only other person I talked to was my mother. When that grinding noise from my car wouldn’t go away on Monday, I just had to call my mom. I know my mom doesn’t have the money to help, but she has her heart. I sat there in my car trying to hold the sound of my crying voice telling her that I didn’t know what to do. That’s all I could say: “No se que hacer Ama. No se que hacer.” I know she wishes she could do more but there isn’t. It is so hard for me to ask for help. I don’t know why. I know I have other family members that will be there for me, but it’s unbelievably difficult to say “Hey, I need help. Can you help me?” Especially when it comes to money. I guess it’s because I’ve always tried to be the independent one. I’ve always wanted to prove that I can do well on my own and not need anyone. But, I learn that all of us fall every once in a while. We just need to hope that we are strong enough to pick ourselves up afterwards. So, we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you posted if you ask. Thanks for reading.

Oh and if you ask if I have learned my lesson? HELL – TO – THE – YEAH!!! The next time I don’t have $80 bucks, I just won’t have the freakin’ $80 bucks!!!