In My Dreams.........

I have always found it fascinating how dreams can so easily reflect anything that goes on in a person’s life. I’m not sure if it’s the same for everyone, but dreams sometimes come so close to my heart and or represent something that is currently going on in my life. Of course there are those wild and crazy dreams where you’re an action hero or you are being chased and even though you’re trying your hardest to run really fast, you stay in the same spot never really getting away from the person or monster that is chasing you. Dreams can be fun, scary, and sometimes pleasurable (you know what I mean with this one). But what do they really mean? Are they trying to tell us something? Are our minds sneaking in ideas of what we really want to do in our physical lives? I may never have the answers to those questions and I don’t think anyone ever will. Maybe dreams are supposed to remain unexplained. I do, however, have one theory.

Ok, so here’s my theory on the “running in your dreams but never actually getting anywhere”: When we’re dreaming, our bodies are at rest and stay in the same position for a period of hours. When we dream, I believe our brain subconsciously knows that we’re dreaming. However, our creative imagination is free to take us on any adventures it wants, but at the same time, our brain is telling us that it’s a dream. Therefore, when we are trying to run really fast and barely move an inch, our brain is telling us that we are dreaming and sound asleep in a comfortable position. The position of our resting bodies is what is preventing our rapid movements in our dreams. This is why I believe a lot of dreams occur in slow motion due to the lack of movement in our sleep.

Now, I’m not an expert on dream interpretations, BUT!, I do know that they can often reflect parts of the conscious mind. The things we worry about, the things that scare us, the things that excite us, can all be twirling around in our heads and just expose themselves in our dreams. I also know that they can make you feel just about any emotion there is to describe even if you’re not currently experiencing anything to make you feel that way. Let me give you three specific examples that often repeat in my dreams cycle.

Caution: my last example is one of a personal dream I experienced this past Sunday morning. It’s a little sentimental and a bit of a downer. So if you do not want to read it because you are sick of my emotional writing, skip it. I won’t apologize for the sappy stuff I write about because I often find it very therapeutic and it helps me get through a lot of things.

Ok now! The first example of my repetitive dreams I have has to do with my teeth. For some reason, I constantly dream about losing them. Granted: I do have a huge fear of them falling right out of my mouth and I think that’s the reason why I constantly dream about this happening. I have had countless (AND I MEAN COUNTLESS) dreams about losing my pearly whites and it never seems to escape my mind. I think the only way I’ll stop having these dreams is if I confront this fear. But how in the world do I do that??? Do I go see a tooth therapist? Come on!!! And everytime I dream it, it feels so unbelievably real that I begin to think about how I’m going to pay for veneers!

The second type of dream that I constantly have is that of falling in love. Whether I’m dating or not, in love or not, this dream has been haunting me ever since I was a kid. From a young child-like Cinderella story to a long-time friend confessing his love to me, these dreams are more passionate than real life it seems. It gets me down to the center of my core feeling beyond what anyone could ever feel! The want, the crave, the need, the passion, and the powerful love that is the focus of the dream is indescribably strong. Last week, I had this dream with LL Cool J. LL was standing right in front of me, confessing his love for me and asked me to be his! I throw my arms around him and yell “Yeeeesssss!!!” And I'm not even a fan of his! But the feeling was so real that I could not stop thinking about it all day and I even posted it on my facebook status! Oh Lord have mercy!

Now, this next dream I’m about to describe is not a constant one but I just have to mention it because it’s quite funny. I love those dreams that are just so hilarious that when you wake up from it, you wake up laughing and it’s all you think about all day. You tell you’re friends about it and they find it hilarious too! I wish I had these types of dreams all the time but they are rare. Not too long ago I was speaking to one of my supervisors, who is a Controller for the company I work for, about her sister coming to California. We were talking about how San Diego would be a great place to live for her and that her sister would really like it here. After our conversation, we went back to work as normal. Usually, I get along really well with both the Controller and CFO of the company. They are the people I see everyday and talk to everyday at work. I see and talk to them more than my own family for goodness sake! So, it was no surprise to find them in my dreams! That night, I dreamt that the Controller, her sister, and I were having a slumber party at my place watching action movies of our CFO! What kind of twisted mind do I have? I later told them about it, and they found it hilarious!

This final dream that constantly visits me is that of a sensitive one. Every now and then I’ll get a dream about my late father Rafael Lua or my late brother Salvador “Chava” Lua. The last time I dreamt this was this past Sunday morning when I woke up crying. I was dreaming that Janine (sister in law) and I were playing cards at my mom’s house in the living room. Then, I heard my dad’s voice and when I turned around, I saw him standing next to my mom in the dining area. I was surprised to see him because he had been gone for fourteen years now and I was just shocked. I slowly went up to him and tapped his shoulder. He turned around, had a huge smile on his face and hugged and kissed me. I stood there in amazement shaking my head and started talking to him in Spanish. I looked into his eyes and said “You’re here! You’re here! You can be my dad now, dad! You can be the dad I’ve been missing for so long! You can be my dad now!” And then suddenly, the expression on his face changes. He frowns as if he pitied me. He tells me “No, I can’t. I have to leave. I can’t live. I’m ready to go.” It was strange that he told me this because later on when I was awake and talking to my sister Lupe about it, she told me that in the hospital he had said he was ready to die. Ok, back to the dream: I got upset when he said he was ready to die, so I walked outside and sat in my car, which was parked in the driveway with the windows open. I just sat there trying to understand why he said that. Then, through the dining area window, I could see him standing next to my mom. He gets stiff for a moment as if an electrical shock went through his body and then collapses falling on his back. I sat there in my car holding on to the steering wheel feeling mad, angry, and pissed off. Janine comes out of the house and walks towards me. She bends over, sticks her head through my open window and says “Your dad’s dead.” I squeezed my hands tighter on the steering wheel, shut my eyes, and started screaming really loud. I felt my chest start to jump as if my heart was going to pop out. When I woke up and opened my eyes, I could barely see anything because my eyes were drowning in tears. My mascara had smudged my pillow because I had fallen asleep without taking it off the night before (see picture to the right). My whimper cries turned to loud painful sobs, and I started to get anxiety. I have dreamt of my late father and brother before, but not like this. The last time I cried this much in my sleep was when I had a dream of my dad a couple of years ago. It was a “could be” dream. The dream was a beautiful picture of what our lives could have been if my dad was still alive today. I woke up heartbroken knowing that I will never have that.

But this dream was different. It was as if I was taken back to day he died. When I have moments like this, the only person I can think to call is my mother. I don’t like to call her when I get like this because I know I worry her and she is nowhere near close to comfort me. But I need to hear her voice to calm me down. When I had her on the phone, I was so emotionally uncontrollable that she couldn’t understand what I was saying. When I finally calmed down, I had only told her that I dreamt of dad. I didn’t tell her the whole thing because I thought it would upset her and make her cry. If anyone could hear how my mother comforts her child, you would understand why I needed to hear her voice. I love her so much. She may be a tiny little Mexican lady, but she’s got a heart as big as the universe.

I don’t know why I still get these feelings. I just wish I was over it. Sometimes, I think about people who have lost someone and I get surprised at how much they still cry about it even though it had been so long ago. They look so emotionally scarred by it, that I feel sorry for them. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to be one of those people who can’t move on. Do I have to mourn for the rest of my life? So much time has gone by since the death of my dad and brother, but one little triggered memory can take me all the way back. I know I need to find a way to deal with this because as my friend Melissa made me realize, I suppress my feelings about it. And the more I suppress it, the more it’ll hurt when these moments occur. As of now, I don’t know how to deal with it. But in the mean time, I’ve got good friends and family there for me. Thank you Mom, Lupe, Vanessa, and Melissa for listening. I am blessed to have all of you.

P.S. And thank you to the rest of my family and friends. Without you, I wouldn’t be me :)