For The Love of the Game

As I grow older and I see many of my classmates begin to move on with their lives and begin new chapters, I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the same. I may not be moving in the same way they are, but I am moving on.

…..……….I think.

This past weekend, my best friend of 15 years, Andrea, came to visit to celebrate Halloween and her birthday as it falls on that holiday. Every year, my friends and I gather together in our best costumes and head out to Downtown San Diego for a little bar hopping. This year was just as fun as the ones before, however, I had a conversation with Andrea that struck a cord of curiosity. We were talking about having her move back to Oceanside (which I always try to convince her of because I miss her so much) but she is set on staying in Brawley. She tells me it’s time for her to grow up.

I didn’t take offense to what she said, but it got me thinking about my life and what I’m doing. Am I having too much fun? Do I need to settle down already? I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I don’t desire marriage nor do I desire having children. But I won’t say “never” because I believe there is a slight chance that one day the right kind of love will change my mind about everything. I believe it’s out there but I’ve never had it. The kind of love that blinds you and changes your whole world around. The kind of love that gives you a new perspective on life. The kind of love that alters your beliefs. The kind of love that not only makes you a better person but keeps you the same as you always were. And when you have it, you just know it’s going to last forever. That’s the kind of love that I’m hopeful for, but for now, I’m just having fun being me and weighing out the contestants.

And even if I never get it, I think I would still be hopeful for it because I’ve seen it with my sisters and with my parents. Even if I die at 100 years old without that love, I’ll always be hopeful for it. But I’ll never be waiting for it. I refuse to wait for it. Why would I? Why am I going to wait for something that might never happen? Imagine if I wait my entire life for that kind of love to happen, how much time I would waste. I want to do things for me, not for the person that could be with me. I want to plan and live my life according to me, and if it so happens that I meet someone along the way, then great!! But for now, I’m going to do what is best for me. And that is accomplish everything that I wish to accomplish. I want to pay off my debts, travel, teach in different countries, live in different countries, earn a masters, earn a PhD, write novels, write songs, write poetry, play my piano, play my dad’s guitar, sing all my songs, perform all my songs anywhere and everywhere, and sing everyday for the rest of my life. Ok so I already do that last one pretty much every day; however, I don’t want to be one of those people who wait around for love to come. Love doesn’t and shouldn’t control your life. Yes, it’s great if you find it and have it early on in your life like it happens to many people, but if you don’t have it now, then why waste your time waiting for it when you could be living your life to the fullest.

And while the trials and tribulations of dating can be harsh, I know that maybe someday that love will come. I have to feel that all the bull shit many people go through with the whole dating scene and the games people play is going to have to be worth it one day. Games like where someone will keep a person at an arm’s reach so that they don’t get too close nor get too far but just there enough to get you whenever they want. Or the repetitive pattern of “I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Come back. I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Come back.” I’ve seen it happen too many times with my friends and with myself. The player may think we don’t know the game, but we all do. We just have to be smart and strong enough not to fall for it. And it’s hard not to fall for it when it makes you feel so important and so wanted. It’s just like my friend said: “It’s a game where they make you feel so good that you feel like you’re flying and just when you’re about to touch the sky, they cut your wings and you fall hard getting hurt when you hit the ground. They apologize and say it was a mistake. But then do it to you again and you continue to fall for it.”

Sometimes I think that I am too hopeful for this kind of love to come into my life. Sometimes I feel like I get too hopeful to the point where maybe I have too high expectations. But I honestly would rather have high expectations, even if it dissapoints me when/if it doesn't work out, than to go into anything with a pessimistic attitude. I'd rather be hopeful than expect the least in someone. Why would anyone want to try anything expecting the least from someone? I'll always be the eternal optimist. Even in my darkest hour.

With all that said, I move on. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because I care too much about myself to let anyone or anything hurt me. Because my life is in my control. And because one day all my dreams will come true.

One day……

Thanks for reading :o)