Go fuck a goat!!

The following piece is a block of writing I did as sort of a “conversation with myself” regarding a few things about dating and relationships and whatever the hell was going through my mind. I basically just threw up all over the page. No, I didn’t sit down and actually have a conversation with myself. I just keep thinking about all the things I’ve come to realize in my 28 years of life and love and the frustrations that come with it. Hold your judgment. It’s not very child friendly.


What the hell do I know about love? I know that I’m not in a hurry to find it. I’m not looking to get married. I don’t think I even want kids. Unless, as I always say, that golden rule of “if I ever experience the right kind of love, then maybe it’ll change my mind about marriage and kids.” But not just any kind of puppy love. The kind of love that’s breathtaking and can’t live without and crazy and scary and loyal and faithful and amazing all at the same time kind of love. I’ve had the kind of love that’s “awww, I really love him because he’s so wonderful” and who knows maybe it could have grown to the “right kind of love” but it was never given a chance. But besides the idea of love, there’s that vulnerable state of mind where two people can say anything to each other. Hearts are wide open and you give and take everything you have to say about each other so damn seriously and you remember every single word, every phrase, every feeling you make each other feel. The both of you are just right there clicking and connecting every single damn thing about each other and you think “Whoa!! This is weird!! Great weird!!” But then it goes away. Not by choice. He takes it away. It leaves you feeling like you got beat up or something like it. So you ask yourself “What the hell just happened? What the fuck went wrong?” I can’t believe I put up with it for almost two years. So you’re left having to move on. And you do. Slowly. Painfully. You do. So after a while you try something new and put up a profile on a dating website. Looks promising. Some have interest and you begin to communicate. First potential emails you and asks if you would like to go out on a date. Sounds like fun. When shall we go? Oh wait a minute. What’s that now? You want me to let you suck on my toes while you jack off on our first date? Really?!! Delete. Delete! Delete!! Should I just give up? But wait!! Random text from him last week saying “Can’t stop thinking about you.” Take a pause. Think about how you’re going to respond or if you should even respond. Give it a few hours to respond “I used to wish for you to think that of me everyday.” Used to. That’s the phrase. But no response. He recognized the “used to” in the sentence. Now you’re thinking “Come on. If he really meant that, then he’d still try to get a hold of me.” Still silence. Nada. And I can’t believe how over and over and over and over and over and over – yes one more – and over I specifically told him how I felt and what I wanted. Yet he never denied me nor acknowledged me. He’d throw out a few “I miss you’s” and “I think about you constantly” every now and then to keep me close. That’s it!! That was the trick!! I got it!! Whoa I got it haha!! Ok well….oh looks like I got a new email from the site. Nice profile dude. Awww he’s such a sweetheart. Reply girl! Don’t let him get away. A few exchanges over the next few hours. You makin’ me smile boo!! Wait, what did that last one say? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!! THIS IS LIKE THE 20TH TIME BY THE 20TH IDIOT FUCKING DAMN IT!!!! DOES IT SAY ON MY PROFILE “ONLY GOOD FOR FUCKING?!!!” All hell the mighty BITCH FIT!!!! Deleted my profile!!! Where the fuck is my phone?!! Ok, this is it!!!! I’m deleting you for good and for real this time!! Goodbye R****!!!! No text messages!! No cell phone number!!! Now let me clear my email……arrange email by who it’s from…..letter R…….click the first, followed by down to the last. Click. The mouse hangs over the delete button. Think about it. Ok. Click. Deleted. Search box type in his name. Search equals to empty. Good. Just making sure. Wait, still have to delete him from my work email. There he is. Highlight, highlight, highlight. Send a last but stupid “happy two year anniversary” email for shits and giggles. Sent. Ok now…..DELETE. That’s all of it. He’s gone. Too bad because I never hurt him. I never did anything to hurt him. I just loved him. Once. So I’m always going to wonder how the hell can you hurt someone who does nothing but care and love you. Don’t I at least deserve your honesty? Just the truth. I don’t think the truth was all there. But I’ll never know now. And the thing is…….I don’t care for dating. I don’t care if I’m alone. I’m not one of those girls that says “I wish I had a boyfriend.” Fuck no!! That ain’t me!! But if you’re interested in me and I become interested in you, have true fucking intentions to want to get to know me. Be a fucking gentleman. Because when/if you approach me and ask me to “have a good time” with you and I don’t even know you, I’m gonna want to answer “go fuck a goat with your two-inch dick, you asshole.” But I’m a nice person. So I’ll kindly turn you down. Really. Don’t let all these cuss words fool you. It’s my nature to be nice. I get it from my mom and my family. All the cussing is simply out of frustration. So, I’m completely removing myself from the equation. Completely. And I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of me after reading this. It’s actually quite cathartic. I recommend anyone doing this as well. Thank you for reading.

Jessenia Lua :o)