2010 has been an interesting year for me. I feel as if I’ve had this sudden realization of what is going on in my life and what I want to do. I guess nothing brings you closer to that other than two hospital visits haha!! I’ve experienced an epiphany earlier this year that I’ve kept to myself because it’s too delicate for me to dissect and I’m not ready to do that or explain it just yet. I’ve reflected a lot on myself as whole person and have tried constant daily changes to commit to a change in my life that needs to be done. My daily struggles are still present but I feel like I’ve worked on them this year more than ever before. That’s why I somehow feel that I’m slowly developing into the person I want to and deserve to be. I’ve been able to pin point my faults and recognize them and the negative effects they have on my life. I’ve always believed that no one can move on with their life unless they know what it is what they need to move past from. And I feel like I’ve done that a lot this year. I wasn’t necessary looking for it, but I feel as if it was a path in my life that was crossed in fate (which is a whole other story because my theory in fate is unbalanced). I have felt an unspoken pressure about something with family and friends and maybe even some co-workers that remain silent for the sake of my feelings. But I know what it is and I appreciate the silence more than ever.
I’m nowhere near in my life now where I thought I would be ten years ago and have no one to blame that on but myself. I forgot what movie I heard this cheesy line from but I think it makes complete and total sense: “I have a vision of how I want my life to be. But life doesn’t care about that vision. Life goes on with or without your plans.” It makes sense to me because 10 years ago I never thought I’d be where I am today. I never thought I’d be working for the same company for the past 5 years - which is a blessing on its own and I feel very fortunate to have this job, but then again ten years ago I never thought I’d still be struggling with money (not that my job doesn’t pay me well because they do, it’s just my spending habits that I need to control in order to prevent money trouble), I never thought I’d still be perusing higher education, I never thought I’d still be living in California. I thought maybe by now I’d be working on my PhD. Or a famous singer/songwriter haha!!
If there’s anything that I’ve learned in my 27 and half years of life, it’s that the decisions you make each day is always the occurring domino affect of your present life. Each and every day we make decisions that come so natural to us. Especially when we choose the easy way out. But it’s those “easy way outs” that make you wonder about the “what if I chose this instead” moments. How could your life have been different if you chose the other option that day? What could have been different? And so I often ask myself that question all the time about everything. From school, to family, to lost ones, to the tiniest things that probably don’t matter to anyone else but myself. What if I had moved to L.A. to pursue singing instead of going to college? What if I moved to a foreign country to work right after I graduated college like I wanted to? What if I had pursued a relationship with that sweet man who told me he loved me? What if I gave him a chance? Would I have been married and had children by now?
Wondering about all of this initially makes me realize that in order to stick to my future plans, I must stick to the present ones. The further I push things away, the further they get out of reach. I’m not one to make New Year resolutions, but if I were to make one, it would be to do something meaningful every single day that would benefit me in my present and future life. Something that challenges me and something that will always benefit me now and later. I want my 2011 to be the year where I find my calling. And I think I got a hint of that from conversations with my friends and a Mr. Tom Sweeney, who I work with at my current job at Patriot Scientific. I don’t remember how this discussion came about but I had hesitantly decided to go back to school to earn a credential to become a high school English teacher focusing on writing. His response was “I think you would be perfect for that.” We continued to talk about the difficulties many ESL students go through and being that I grew up speaking Spanish and being in ESL programs throughout my elementary school years, students would really benefit me as their teacher since having to relate with their struggles. I was hesitant before, but now I’m convinced more than ever that this is what I should be doing. I remember working as a “writing consultant” for CSUSM’s writing center as part of an internship with a graduate course I took in my senior year. During my time there, I was surprised to see so many students struggling with their writing and I kept wondering to myself “how is it that you’re in college and don’t know how to write?” So I decided to be that stepping stone for students. I want to be the teacher that prepares them. So this is my goal for 2011. I still eventually want to earn a master’s, maybe even a PhD, but I think this will set my path in that direction. I also still want to work abroad and teach in foreign countries and live their cultures, but this is my first step.
So now that I have my goal set for 2011, let me highlight my 2010 year in review. The good. The bad. And the ugly!!
2010 Year In Review!
The Good
March:
Mari’s Birthday in Vegas. Enough said.
May:
My birthday. Every year I have so many family and friends that gather around me to celebrate my life. I am forever grateful for these people who mean so much to me.
June:
The move. I had so much help from all my closest friends who helped me move into my new place. I seriously couldn’t have done it without all of you.
My Roommate Felipe. A heart with legs and feet! I never knew this kind of person existed. I am so in love with the kind of person he is.
October:
Diego is born!! One of the many loves of my life!!
All Year Round:
My family and friends for always being there for me.
The Bad
March:
Found out I have a problem with my thyroid and have to take medication that makes me dizzy and nauseous.
Car got impounded due to expired tags, which led to being pulled over, which led to cop telling me my license was suspended, which led to an unpaid speeding ticket I had completely forgot about from the year before. Everything ended up costing over $1,500 dollars to get my car back. I had no idea how I was going to do it until I talked to my bosses at work and they advanced me the money to help. I tell you!! I have angels surrounding me!!
July:
Hospitalized. Article can be read here: http://chenasblog.blogspot.com/2010/08/ewww-what-is-that-should-i-go-to.html
December:
Food poisoning for the first time ever and hopefully the last. Enough said.
All Year Round:
Money. Always chasing the next paycheck. But not for long. New financial plan is set to prevent such stresses. Plan is on for paying back my sisters and mom for all their help in this next coming year of 2011. Thanks for all your help.
The Ugly
October – November:
Heartbreak. I forget how fragile the center beating drum in my chest is when you allow yourself to give in to someone. Mutual thoughts were discussed for keeping it casual to prevent heartbreak. But you proceed without caution when you fall for all the beautiful words he says only to pull the rug right from underneath you falling and hitting the floor hard. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much over anyone ever. And as mad as I was, I wish I hadn’t cried as much because he doesn’t deserve my tears. This time thinking it could be different only to end up the same as last year. Except for this time, I foolishly thought it’d be different. This time it could work. This time he was serious. This time………….he did it again. The funny thing about heartbreak is that when it doesn’t happen to you, you don’t think about it or anything related to that matter. But when it happens, you realize how lonely you are and all you want is for that person to come back. So you choose to move on with the daily reminder that you are alone. Everyday you think to yourself that you’re alone and you feel incredibly lonely. You may have friends and family around you but they won’t ever fulfill the part in your soul that he placed and took away. I remember saying to myself during this time “I wish I lived in a love song.” Because when the song ends, it just repeats. No room for the heartbreak. In particular it would be “Dime Mi Amor” by Pedro Fernandez. I could live forever in that song. But then again, heartbreaks can be good when they inspire beautiful poetry.
All in all it was an incredible year to say the least. I take away a greater sense of who I am and what I want to accomplish. It’s better than being a lost soul haha!! Say “I love you” like you’ve never said it before. Hug longer than you’ve ever hugged before. Smile to strangers, you never know it might make their day. And don’t forget your “please” and “thank you’s.” From me to you: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! Thanks for reading!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Ka Ka Ka Karma!!!
I’ve been wanting to write an article about Karma for a while, but I decided to hold off on it to really analyze and observe the world around me applying Karma to my life. My common sense definition of Karma is “What goes around comes around.” But to my surprise and recent research, I found out Karma is an Indian religious concept. Not only that, but it also has several definitions.
One definition of Karma is the concept of action or deed, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect. It originated in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist, and Sikh philosophies.
Also, Karma is in contradistinction to faith advocated by Abrahamic religions such as Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present and past life actions. If practicing Karma in Hinduism beliefs, people have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement Karma’s consequences. If practicing Karma in Indian beliefs, the Karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.
Here are a few Karma quotes I came across in my research:
“O youth or young man, who fancy that you are neglected by the gods, know that if you become worse, you shall go to worse souls, or if better to the better… In every succession of life and death, you will do and suffer what like may fitly suffer at the hands of like. This is the justice of heaven.” ~ Plato
“Thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.” ~ William Shakespeare
“Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must certainly pay for all they get.” ~ Frederick Douglas
“I'm a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it's bad or good.” ~ Sandra Bullock
My own personal belief in Karma is: “Do good. Then good things happen. Do bad. Then bad things happen.” ~ Me!
But then it got me wondering. Bad things happen to people all the time whether they do good things or not. If you are always good, does that mean that something bad happene
d to you because of something you maybe did in your past life? Do you believe in a past life? Or if you did something bad, do you keep in the back of your mind to track it and count that towards the Bad Karma you’ll probably receive in the future? If I live my life (the only life that I know of and the only life I have ever had) believing in Good Karma and doing good things left and right for the sake of only having Good Karma returned to me, does that mean I’m going to wonder like crazy and back track what bad thing I did to deserve Bad Karma if or when it hits me? Hmmm……Interesting……
I’m not so sure I believe my own Karma definition after all. But I will say this: Long ago in my trouble-some days in high school, I remember I stole a lipstick from a Rite Aid store because I didn’t want to pay for it. I had the money, but I didn’t want to pay for it. A few days later, my car wouldn’t turn on. Bad Karma? No, it couldn’t be. A couple months later, I saw a really expensive mascara I wanted and stole that too. A week later…….my car needed a new alternator. Bad Karma? Yea right!! Not too long after that I ran out of powder make up so I saw a nice one at Rite Aid and stole it too. What happened to my car? It needed a new starter!! Bad Karma? Um……yes I started to believe it was. I remember telling Andrea this “I can’t steal anymore make up.” She asked laughing “Why?” I said “Cause I can’t afford to fix my car anymore.”
I’m not so sure if my car breaking down after I would steal make up was the true calling of Bad Karma, but I do know that I don’t want to mess with it. And because it’s wrong to steal! Duh!! But I do believe that if you surround yourself with good things and good people, that good things will happen. Otherwise, why are they good? Good comes from good and bad comes from bad. It’s as simple as that. I’m very blessed to have good all around me with my friends and family. They are around me because I put them there and because I want them there. I can easily abandon everyone and I know I would fall apart without them. I cherish and appreciate each friendship and every bond I have with my family. Even if I’m 200 miles to 2 million miles away, they are my Good Karma. Do you believe in it? So let me leave you with an oldie but a goodie: “Treat others how you wish to be treated” because "Karma is a Bitch!" Thanks for reading!
One definition of Karma is the concept of action or deed, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect. It originated in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist, and Sikh philosophies.
Also, Karma is in contradistinction to faith advocated by Abrahamic religions such as Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present and past life actions. If practicing Karma in Hinduism beliefs, people have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement Karma’s consequences. If practicing Karma in Indian beliefs, the Karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.
Here are a few Karma quotes I came across in my research:
“O youth or young man, who fancy that you are neglected by the gods, know that if you become worse, you shall go to worse souls, or if better to the better… In every succession of life and death, you will do and suffer what like may fitly suffer at the hands of like. This is the justice of heaven.” ~ Plato
“Thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.” ~ William Shakespeare
“Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must certainly pay for all they get.” ~ Frederick Douglas
“I'm a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it's bad or good.” ~ Sandra Bullock
My own personal belief in Karma is: “Do good. Then good things happen. Do bad. Then bad things happen.” ~ Me!
But then it got me wondering. Bad things happen to people all the time whether they do good things or not. If you are always good, does that mean that something bad happene
d to you because of something you maybe did in your past life? Do you believe in a past life? Or if you did something bad, do you keep in the back of your mind to track it and count that towards the Bad Karma you’ll probably receive in the future? If I live my life (the only life that I know of and the only life I have ever had) believing in Good Karma and doing good things left and right for the sake of only having Good Karma returned to me, does that mean I’m going to wonder like crazy and back track what bad thing I did to deserve Bad Karma if or when it hits me? Hmmm……Interesting……I’m not so sure I believe my own Karma definition after all. But I will say this: Long ago in my trouble-some days in high school, I remember I stole a lipstick from a Rite Aid store because I didn’t want to pay for it. I had the money, but I didn’t want to pay for it. A few days later, my car wouldn’t turn on. Bad Karma? No, it couldn’t be. A couple months later, I saw a really expensive mascara I wanted and stole that too. A week later…….my car needed a new alternator. Bad Karma? Yea right!! Not too long after that I ran out of powder make up so I saw a nice one at Rite Aid and stole it too. What happened to my car? It needed a new starter!! Bad Karma? Um……yes I started to believe it was. I remember telling Andrea this “I can’t steal anymore make up.” She asked laughing “Why?” I said “Cause I can’t afford to fix my car anymore.”
I’m not so sure if my car breaking down after I would steal make up was the true calling of Bad Karma, but I do know that I don’t want to mess with it. And because it’s wrong to steal! Duh!! But I do believe that if you surround yourself with good things and good people, that good things will happen. Otherwise, why are they good? Good comes from good and bad comes from bad. It’s as simple as that. I’m very blessed to have good all around me with my friends and family. They are around me because I put them there and because I want them there. I can easily abandon everyone and I know I would fall apart without them. I cherish and appreciate each friendship and every bond I have with my family. Even if I’m 200 miles to 2 million miles away, they are my Good Karma. Do you believe in it? So let me leave you with an oldie but a goodie: “Treat others how you wish to be treated” because "Karma is a Bitch!" Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
For The Love of the Game
As I grow older and I see many of my classmates begin to move on with their lives and begin new chapters, I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the same. I may not be moving in the same way they are, but I am moving on.
…..……….I think.
This past weekend, my best friend of 15 years, Andrea, came to visit to celebrate Halloween and her birthday as it falls on that holiday. Every year, my friends and I gather together in our best costumes and head out to Downtown San Diego for a little bar hopping. This year was just as fun as the ones before, however, I had a conversation with Andrea that struck a cord of curiosity. We were talking about having her move back to Oceanside (which I always try to convince her of because I miss her so much) but she is set on staying in Brawley. She tells me it’s time for her to grow up.
I didn’t take offense to what she said, but it got me thinking about my life and what I’m doing. Am I having too much fun? Do I need to settle down already? I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I don’t desire marriage nor do I desire having children. But I won’t say “never” because I believe there is a slight chance that one day the right kind of love will change my mind about everything. I believe it’s out there but I’ve never had it. The kind of love that blinds you and changes your whole world around. The kind of love that gives you a new perspective on life. The kind of love that alters your beliefs. The kind of love that not only makes you a better person but keeps you the same as you always were. And when you have it, you just know it’s going to last forever. That’s the kind of love that I’m hopeful for, but for now, I’m just having fun being me and weighing out the contestants.
And even if I never get it, I think I would still be hopeful for it because I’ve seen it with my sisters and with my parents. Even if I die at 100 years old without that love, I’ll always be hopeful for it. But I’ll never be waiting for it. I refuse to wait for it. Why would I? Why am I going to wait for something that might never happen? Imagine if I wait my entire life for that kind of love to happen, how much time I would waste. I want to do things for me, not for the person that could be with me. I want to plan and live my life according to me, and if it so happens that I meet someone along the way, then great!! But for now, I’m going to do what is best for me. And that is accomplish everything that I wish to accomplish. I want to pay off my debts, travel, teach in different countries, live in different countries, earn a masters, earn a PhD, write novels, write songs, write poetry, play my piano, play my dad’s guitar, sing all my songs, perform all my songs anywhere and everywhere, and sing everyday for the rest of my life. Ok so I already do that last one pretty much every day; however, I don’t want to be one of those people who wait around for love to come. Love doesn’t and shouldn’t control your life. Yes, it’s great if you find it and have it early on in your life like it happens to many people, but if you don’t have it now, then why waste your time waiting for it when you could be living your life to the fullest.
And while the trials and tribulations of dating can be harsh, I know that maybe someday that love will come. I have to feel that all the bull shit many people go through with the whole dating scene and the games people play is going to have to be worth it one day. Games like where someone will keep a person at an arm’s reach so that they don’t get too close nor get too far but just there enough to get you whenever they want. Or the repetitive pattern of “I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Come back. I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Come back.” I’ve seen it happen too many times with my friends and with myself. The player may think we don’t know the game, but we all do. We just have to be smart and strong enough not to fall for it. And it’s hard not to fall for it when it makes you feel so important and so wanted. It’s just like my friend said: “It’s a game where they make you feel so good that you feel like you’re flying and just when you’re about to touch the sky, they cut your wings and you fall hard getting hurt when you hit the ground. They apologize and say it was a mistake. But then do it to you again and you continue to fall for it.”
Sometimes I think that I am too hopeful for this kind of love to come into my life. Sometimes I feel like I get too hopeful to the point where maybe I have too high expectations. But I honestly would rather have high expectations, even if it dissapoints me when/if it doesn't work out, than to go into anything with a pessimistic attitude. I'd rather be hopeful than expect the least in someone. Why would anyone want to try anything expecting the least from someone? I'll always be the eternal optimist. Even in my darkest hour.
With all that said, I move on. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because I care too much about myself to let anyone or anything hurt me. Because my life is in my control. And because one day all my dreams will come true.
One day……
Thanks for reading :o)
…..……….I think.
This past weekend, my best friend of 15 years, Andrea, came to visit to celebrate Halloween and her birthday as it falls on that holiday. Every year, my friends and I gather together in our best costumes and head out to Downtown San Diego for a little bar hopping. This year was just as fun as the ones before, however, I had a conversation with Andrea that struck a cord of curiosity. We were talking about having her move back to Oceanside (which I always try to convince her of because I miss her so much) but she is set on staying in Brawley. She tells me it’s time for her to grow up.
I didn’t take offense to what she said, but it got me thinking about my life and what I’m doing. Am I having too much fun? Do I need to settle down already? I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I don’t desire marriage nor do I desire having children. But I won’t say “never” because I believe there is a slight chance that one day the right kind of love will change my mind about everything. I believe it’s out there but I’ve never had it. The kind of love that blinds you and changes your whole world around. The kind of love that gives you a new perspective on life. The kind of love that alters your beliefs. The kind of love that not only makes you a better person but keeps you the same as you always were. And when you have it, you just know it’s going to last forever. That’s the kind of love that I’m hopeful for, but for now, I’m just having fun being me and weighing out the contestants.
And even if I never get it, I think I would still be hopeful for it because I’ve seen it with my sisters and with my parents. Even if I die at 100 years old without that love, I’ll always be hopeful for it. But I’ll never be waiting for it. I refuse to wait for it. Why would I? Why am I going to wait for something that might never happen? Imagine if I wait my entire life for that kind of love to happen, how much time I would waste. I want to do things for me, not for the person that could be with me. I want to plan and live my life according to me, and if it so happens that I meet someone along the way, then great!! But for now, I’m going to do what is best for me. And that is accomplish everything that I wish to accomplish. I want to pay off my debts, travel, teach in different countries, live in different countries, earn a masters, earn a PhD, write novels, write songs, write poetry, play my piano, play my dad’s guitar, sing all my songs, perform all my songs anywhere and everywhere, and sing everyday for the rest of my life. Ok so I already do that last one pretty much every day; however, I don’t want to be one of those people who wait around for love to come. Love doesn’t and shouldn’t control your life. Yes, it’s great if you find it and have it early on in your life like it happens to many people, but if you don’t have it now, then why waste your time waiting for it when you could be living your life to the fullest.
And while the trials and tribulations of dating can be harsh, I know that maybe someday that love will come. I have to feel that all the bull shit many people go through with the whole dating scene and the games people play is going to have to be worth it one day. Games like where someone will keep a person at an arm’s reach so that they don’t get too close nor get too far but just there enough to get you whenever they want. Or the repetitive pattern of “I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Come back. I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Come back.” I’ve seen it happen too many times with my friends and with myself. The player may think we don’t know the game, but we all do. We just have to be smart and strong enough not to fall for it. And it’s hard not to fall for it when it makes you feel so important and so wanted. It’s just like my friend said: “It’s a game where they make you feel so good that you feel like you’re flying and just when you’re about to touch the sky, they cut your wings and you fall hard getting hurt when you hit the ground. They apologize and say it was a mistake. But then do it to you again and you continue to fall for it.”
Sometimes I think that I am too hopeful for this kind of love to come into my life. Sometimes I feel like I get too hopeful to the point where maybe I have too high expectations. But I honestly would rather have high expectations, even if it dissapoints me when/if it doesn't work out, than to go into anything with a pessimistic attitude. I'd rather be hopeful than expect the least in someone. Why would anyone want to try anything expecting the least from someone? I'll always be the eternal optimist. Even in my darkest hour.
With all that said, I move on. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because I care too much about myself to let anyone or anything hurt me. Because my life is in my control. And because one day all my dreams will come true.
One day……
Thanks for reading :o)
A Hidden Message?
I wrote this poem when I was going through something with someone and I think it can be kind of self explanatory. There are two ways to read it. One is left to right and the other one is....... well....... you figure it out :o)
Waves
You remind me of beautiful waves
Coming in on the sandy floor
Raging so strong, so powerful
All over the awaiting shore
Never ceasing to surprise me
Diving in and hitting so strong
Your inconsistent beauty confuses me
I wonder if I’m often so wrong
And just like the calm peaceful lakes
Mimicking waves subside and the current is slow
Hearing the soft ocean breeze
Enters a fear deep within below
A fear too often recollected
Responding to the calm waters I see
Triggering tears from our past
Breaking the heart within me
Rocks skidding across the waters
Over the stillness of your being
Keeping me at an arms reach
Entertaining yourself free willing
Never to question what it is I feel
Or bother to say where you’ve gone
The waves remain steady with silence
Like you, they remain so calm
However, before I know it
The waves rage again
I over indulge in your sweetness
As the waves start coming in
Such beautiful sounds blanket my ears
I resist the urge and try to transcend
Seeking the courage to say
This needs to stop and it needs to end.
By: Jessenia Lua
This other piece I wrote while sitting on a cliff watching the ocean and feeling the breeze across my face. Sometimes I feel like there's a higher power in the world that can guide you and give you signs that everything is going to be ok. So from that moment, I wrote this poem: Colors
From The Gray
Have you ever listened to the wind
Have you ever heard its haunting call
Do you let it catch your tears
Or do you just let them fall
If you close your eyes for a bit
You can hear what it wants to say
It may confuse you at first
But you’ll see colors from the gray
By: Jessenia Lua
Thanks for reading :o)
Waves
You remind me of beautiful waves
Coming in on the sandy floor
Raging so strong, so powerful
All over the awaiting shore
Never ceasing to surprise me
Diving in and hitting so strong
Your inconsistent beauty confuses me
I wonder if I’m often so wrong
And just like the calm peaceful lakes
Mimicking waves subside and the current is slow
Hearing the soft ocean breeze
Enters a fear deep within below
A fear too often recollected
Responding to the calm waters I see
Triggering tears from our past
Breaking the heart within me
Rocks skidding across the waters
Over the stillness of your being
Keeping me at an arms reach
Entertaining yourself free willing
Never to question what it is I feel
Or bother to say where you’ve gone
The waves remain steady with silence
Like you, they remain so calm
However, before I know it
The waves rage again
I over indulge in your sweetness
As the waves start coming in
Such beautiful sounds blanket my ears
I resist the urge and try to transcend
Seeking the courage to say
This needs to stop and it needs to end.
By: Jessenia Lua
This other piece I wrote while sitting on a cliff watching the ocean and feeling the breeze across my face. Sometimes I feel like there's a higher power in the world that can guide you and give you signs that everything is going to be ok. So from that moment, I wrote this poem: Colors
From The Gray
Have you ever listened to the wind
Have you ever heard its haunting call
Do you let it catch your tears
Or do you just let them fall
If you close your eyes for a bit
You can hear what it wants to say
It may confuse you at first
But you’ll see colors from the gray
By: Jessenia Lua
Thanks for reading :o)
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A Conversation
Growing up Catholic and always attending church every Sunday made me appreciate the faith in God I have today. I have stated before that in my adult life I consider myself a Catholic, but not a practicing Catholic. I’ll go to church for major holidays and maybe go during a random weekend with my family when I’m visiting Brawley (my hometown). But it’s very rare I attend while living in North County San Diego. But just because I don’t go to church every Sunday and call myself a non-practicing Catholic, doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God or respect the Catholic church’s traditions. I understand that each religion has its own traditions, morals, and values. I respect that. However, a bit of a controversial subject has come up on more than one occasion. I remember the first time I ever spoke about this was with my college dorm roommate Kasey (pseudonym).
One night my two college dorm roommates and I were talking about sex and religion. Kasey had stated she was a born-again virgin and was going to stay celibate until marriage. I respected her for saying that, but I was caught off guard with what she said next. Kasey stated that with her new found faith in Christianity she was planning on staying celibate until marriage, but allows other acts of sexual pleasure with her partner such as oral sex. I really didn’t understand her statement for being celibate is the act of completely withholding from any kind of sex. She explained to me that (according to her) oral sex is ok as long as it's not intercourse. I still didn’t completely understand why oral sex was allowed and not intercourse, but I left it alone because it's her life and only she decides to live however she chooses. However, living here in North County and getting to know new friends in school or at other social gatherings, I’ve come to learn that many people who say they are Christians live by Kasey’s statement.
A few months ago I had this very same conversation with a friend of mine. Wanting to get a better understanding as to why oral sex is allowed but not intercourse in the faith of Christianity, the following text conversation took place between my friend David (pseudonym and an active Christian) and me.
Note: Text conversation is verbatim. Only changes made were grammar mistakes. Please hold your judgment on the conversation and just find the sense of humor behind it because I thought it was really funny!!
(David talking about a girl he was dating at the time)
David: She is waiting until marriage too. Has only gone as far as oral on a guy. Never had oral done on her. Only oral on two boyfriends.
Me: Why is it ok to do oral for you and not go all the way? You’re committing the same act just in a different hole!!
David: It is different. Intercourse is more intimate. Also, to avoid pregnancy. I think you shouldn’t do oral at all until marriage but it is hard to wait.
Me: It’s not different. In the sense of pregnancy - yes, but in the sense of intimacy and “not the same as sex” bull shit! It’s not! Your bodies are responding the same way whether orally or through intercourse. It is not a loop hole into saving yourself for marriage. You want to save yourself for marriage then don’t do anything at all. Saying that you’re saving yourself for marriage but doing oral is a big time contradiction. And the person is being a hypocrite. I think I might blog about this.
David: You do have valid points, but having someone inside you is more intimate. One has more of a broken heart if it doesn’t work out if they go all the way.
Me: You can do whatever you want. People don’t have to follow sex with their religion and are not obligated to. They could if they want. But it still doesn’t make sense because either way you’re “inside” someone (literally speaking).
David: You are right. I will just wait so I’m not a hypocrite.
Me: Too late. You can no longer say you’re saving yourself because you have said you’ve done oral. Now, instead, you should say you’ll stay celibate until marriage. And that’s the TRUTH!!! Muahhahahaha!!!
Me: Mr. Truth man!!
Me: What’s the matter? Did the truth scare ya? (at this point he hadn’t responded back and I was teasing him by calling him Mr. Truth man because he claims to only speak the truth out of whatever controversial arguments we have)
David: I’m still a virgin.
Me: That’s true. But sexually, you’re celibate.
David: I guess
Me: No you don’t guess. It’s the TRUTH HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
David: What is the truth?
Me: That you’re no longer waiting to get married to be with a woman. You already acted in a sexual manner with one even though it wasn’t intercourse. You, my friend, are a virgin who is sexually celibate. But you’re only celibate if u decide to not engage in anymore sexual oral acts with women before your marriage.
David: Well I’m not going to do anything sexual until marriage.
Me: Good for you! But if you somehow give in and do some oral or even have sex, it’s ok. God isn’t going to be mad at you. Sex is as natural as the rain that falls!! Embrace it. You can keep your religion and have sex too ya know!
David: Ok, I agree with you.
So as you can tell from our conversation above, do what you want and believe what you want. I don’t really care if you’re a Christian who only allows sexual oral pleasure with your partner as long as it’s not intercourse because you think only oral sex before marriage is “ok.” I was only trying to prove a point to David because we often get into controversial arguments where he “thinks” I’m wrong. So be a Christian, be a Catholic, be a Baptist, be a virgin, or not. Just live your life however you want. I’m no one to judge. Oh but please be safe. Because if you catch something, you spread something!! Thanks for reading!!
One night my two college dorm roommates and I were talking about sex and religion. Kasey had stated she was a born-again virgin and was going to stay celibate until marriage. I respected her for saying that, but I was caught off guard with what she said next. Kasey stated that with her new found faith in Christianity she was planning on staying celibate until marriage, but allows other acts of sexual pleasure with her partner such as oral sex. I really didn’t understand her statement for being celibate is the act of completely withholding from any kind of sex. She explained to me that (according to her) oral sex is ok as long as it's not intercourse. I still didn’t completely understand why oral sex was allowed and not intercourse, but I left it alone because it's her life and only she decides to live however she chooses. However, living here in North County and getting to know new friends in school or at other social gatherings, I’ve come to learn that many people who say they are Christians live by Kasey’s statement.
A few months ago I had this very same conversation with a friend of mine. Wanting to get a better understanding as to why oral sex is allowed but not intercourse in the faith of Christianity, the following text conversation took place between my friend David (pseudonym and an active Christian) and me.
Note: Text conversation is verbatim. Only changes made were grammar mistakes. Please hold your judgment on the conversation and just find the sense of humor behind it because I thought it was really funny!!
(David talking about a girl he was dating at the time)
David: She is waiting until marriage too. Has only gone as far as oral on a guy. Never had oral done on her. Only oral on two boyfriends.
Me: Why is it ok to do oral for you and not go all the way? You’re committing the same act just in a different hole!!
David: It is different. Intercourse is more intimate. Also, to avoid pregnancy. I think you shouldn’t do oral at all until marriage but it is hard to wait.
Me: It’s not different. In the sense of pregnancy - yes, but in the sense of intimacy and “not the same as sex” bull shit! It’s not! Your bodies are responding the same way whether orally or through intercourse. It is not a loop hole into saving yourself for marriage. You want to save yourself for marriage then don’t do anything at all. Saying that you’re saving yourself for marriage but doing oral is a big time contradiction. And the person is being a hypocrite. I think I might blog about this.
David: You do have valid points, but having someone inside you is more intimate. One has more of a broken heart if it doesn’t work out if they go all the way.
Me: You can do whatever you want. People don’t have to follow sex with their religion and are not obligated to. They could if they want. But it still doesn’t make sense because either way you’re “inside” someone (literally speaking).
David: You are right. I will just wait so I’m not a hypocrite.
Me: Too late. You can no longer say you’re saving yourself because you have said you’ve done oral. Now, instead, you should say you’ll stay celibate until marriage. And that’s the TRUTH!!! Muahhahahaha!!!
Me: Mr. Truth man!!
Me: What’s the matter? Did the truth scare ya? (at this point he hadn’t responded back and I was teasing him by calling him Mr. Truth man because he claims to only speak the truth out of whatever controversial arguments we have)
David: I’m still a virgin.
Me: That’s true. But sexually, you’re celibate.
David: I guess
Me: No you don’t guess. It’s the TRUTH HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
David: What is the truth?
Me: That you’re no longer waiting to get married to be with a woman. You already acted in a sexual manner with one even though it wasn’t intercourse. You, my friend, are a virgin who is sexually celibate. But you’re only celibate if u decide to not engage in anymore sexual oral acts with women before your marriage.
David: Well I’m not going to do anything sexual until marriage.
Me: Good for you! But if you somehow give in and do some oral or even have sex, it’s ok. God isn’t going to be mad at you. Sex is as natural as the rain that falls!! Embrace it. You can keep your religion and have sex too ya know!
David: Ok, I agree with you.
So as you can tell from our conversation above, do what you want and believe what you want. I don’t really care if you’re a Christian who only allows sexual oral pleasure with your partner as long as it’s not intercourse because you think only oral sex before marriage is “ok.” I was only trying to prove a point to David because we often get into controversial arguments where he “thinks” I’m wrong. So be a Christian, be a Catholic, be a Baptist, be a virgin, or not. Just live your life however you want. I’m no one to judge. Oh but please be safe. Because if you catch something, you spread something!! Thanks for reading!!
A Conversation Part Deux
I don’t consider myself to be a hard-core feminist. I would say I’m mildly a feminist. I believe in women’s lib and women’s rights but I’m not as dedicated as some. My youngest sister, on the other hand, is by far a strong feminist and I’ve definitely learned a lot from her. I’ve never told her this but she has definitely inspired me to be a better person and a stronger woman. I have no idea where she got it from, being that she’s the baby of the family. Maybe it was from seeing our mother change into an independent strong woman after the death of our father. Either way, after studying Women’s Studies in college and seeing how far women have come, I will always be a supporter of strong independent women.
Another controversial conversation that took place between my friend David (pseudonym) and I was about the higher amount of women in colleges and enforcing affirmative action for men. Here what follows is that conversation verbatim. Only changes made were grammatical errors.
David: Since now there are more women in college and more women in law schools should there be affirmative action to help men?
Me: Hell to the NO!!!!
David: So it was ok when there was affirmative action for women?
Me: Yes because it was only a world dominated by men before affirmative action for women. Did you think anything was wrong?
David: Well now if women start dominating is that fair?
Me: Yes because then it would be an equally driven world.
David: So schools should deny women spots instead and put men in those spots?
Me: Just like marriage it should be equal to everyone even gays. But on schools people should be accepted based on qualifications, not gender.
David: So when men had better scores than women but because of affirmative action then men were denied was good? Liberal double standard again.
Me: Sounds like you’re saying that women aren’t intellectually respected. Sounds like u really have a problem with equality.
David: I never said women aren’t respected. I don’t have a problem with equality. You do. You don’t want schools to have the equal number of men and women.
Me: When men had the higher score back then it was because women were denied education, and now you’re getting scared because women are moving up.
David: Nope. I think that the best person should get the spot. Always did. You have changed your mind now that it benefits you.
Me: Changed my mind about what?
David: You believed in affirmative action. If it was done to put men and women at the same number you would be against it.
Me: No that’s not what I said. I believe in affirmative action to help women succeed and be equal in a male dominated world because women were always denied the rights of men.
David: So if women start dominating legal fields that is different than when men did?
Me: Yes because BACK THEN WOMEN WERE DENIED EDUCATION!!!! If the man doesn’t get a spot in any field today it’s because he wasn’t good enough!! THE WOMAN IS SMARTER!!!!
Looking back at this conversation, I can see two really stubborn people fighting for their sides and think it’s kind of funny!! But in all seriousness, I think it would be a really dumb and stupid idea to have affirmative action for men in colleges just because they are being out-numbered by women. I’m sorry if that offends anyone, but it’s just the way I feel. It seems like David didn’t understand my reason for supporting that. Women’s lib and feminism opened all the doors to opportunities women have today. Back when women were denied the right to vote and the right to an education, men dominated everything. What kind of affirmative action can be given to men when they have always had the right to do everything? If women are out-numbering men in colleges and in legal fields, it’s because they are smarter. Ok I know that totally sounds childish but it holds a little truth to it. I haven’t done the research so I can’t truly say that this is accurate but from what little I have read on the subject, it’s apparent that women do out-number men in colleges. Including the one I attended. I wonder why some men are threatened by that. Besides, many educational institutions are still run by men who set quotas to keep an equal number of men and women. And this is still a very male driven world. I wonder how many bruised egos I’ll get to make fun of when a woman president is elected. Oh well. I can dream can’t I?!! Thanks for reading!!
By the way, I really love this picture!
Another controversial conversation that took place between my friend David (pseudonym) and I was about the higher amount of women in colleges and enforcing affirmative action for men. Here what follows is that conversation verbatim. Only changes made were grammatical errors.
David: Since now there are more women in college and more women in law schools should there be affirmative action to help men?
Me: Hell to the NO!!!!
David: So it was ok when there was affirmative action for women?
Me: Yes because it was only a world dominated by men before affirmative action for women. Did you think anything was wrong?
David: Well now if women start dominating is that fair?
Me: Yes because then it would be an equally driven world.
David: So schools should deny women spots instead and put men in those spots?
Me: Just like marriage it should be equal to everyone even gays. But on schools people should be accepted based on qualifications, not gender.
David: So when men had better scores than women but because of affirmative action then men were denied was good? Liberal double standard again.
Me: Sounds like you’re saying that women aren’t intellectually respected. Sounds like u really have a problem with equality.
David: I never said women aren’t respected. I don’t have a problem with equality. You do. You don’t want schools to have the equal number of men and women.
Me: When men had the higher score back then it was because women were denied education, and now you’re getting scared because women are moving up.
David: Nope. I think that the best person should get the spot. Always did. You have changed your mind now that it benefits you.
Me: Changed my mind about what?
David: You believed in affirmative action. If it was done to put men and women at the same number you would be against it.
Me: No that’s not what I said. I believe in affirmative action to help women succeed and be equal in a male dominated world because women were always denied the rights of men.
David: So if women start dominating legal fields that is different than when men did?
Me: Yes because BACK THEN WOMEN WERE DENIED EDUCATION!!!! If the man doesn’t get a spot in any field today it’s because he wasn’t good enough!! THE WOMAN IS SMARTER!!!!
Looking back at this conversation, I can see two really stubborn people fighting for their sides and think it’s kind of funny!! But in all seriousness, I think it would be a really dumb and stupid idea to have affirmative action for men in colleges just because they are being out-numbered by women. I’m sorry if that offends anyone, but it’s just the way I feel. It seems like David didn’t understand my reason for supporting that. Women’s lib and feminism opened all the doors to opportunities women have today. Back when women were denied the right to vote and the right to an education, men dominated everything. What kind of affirmative action can be given to men when they have always had the right to do everything? If women are out-numbering men in colleges and in legal fields, it’s because they are smarter. Ok I know that totally sounds childish but it holds a little truth to it. I haven’t done the research so I can’t truly say that this is accurate but from what little I have read on the subject, it’s apparent that women do out-number men in colleges. Including the one I attended. I wonder why some men are threatened by that. Besides, many educational institutions are still run by men who set quotas to keep an equal number of men and women. And this is still a very male driven world. I wonder how many bruised egos I’ll get to make fun of when a woman president is elected. Oh well. I can dream can’t I?!! Thanks for reading!!
By the way, I really love this picture!
9 Years. Forgive?
Last Friday, the 24th of September, I woke with a feeling of something missing. I remember waking up, getting ready for work, and trying to find what was bugging me that I just couldn’t remember. Still confused, I got in my car to start heading for work and out of nowhere I began to think about a conversation I had with a friend a few days prior. Based on the conversation we were having, she told me that I must be a way more forgiving person than herself. It got me thinking about how I reflect myself towards others in moments of forgiveness.
When I got to work and parked my car, I pulled out my phone from my purse and looked on the date it read. Friday September 24th was my late brother Salvador’s nine year death anniversary.
I was immediately overwhelmed with memories and started reflecting back on everything that happened. I find it strange that even after all this time I still feel the same pain I felt when he passed away nine years ago. Throughout the whole day I kept thinking about Chava (his knick name). But it’s a funny thing because I can’t think about Chava without thinking about my late father Rafael who passed away in 1995. All day I kept thinking about both of them and kept wondering what life would have been like if they were still here.
There’s this one piece footage we have on video cassette of the two of them together singing. I’m sure by now my family members reading this know which one I’m talking about. If I had it with me, I would put it on here for everyone to see because it is the most endearing moment between the two them during that 1991 Christmas party. The camera was facing them, they were facing a few family members, and each had one of their arms around each other’s opposite shoulder. I don’t remember the Spanish song they were singing but they were both serenading the family. In sync and in tune, they stood there showcasing their talent when suddenly and coincidently they both get stuck on the same line of the song because they didn’t know the rest of it. They paused to look at each other and everyone busted out laughing. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched it, but everytime I do it still cracks me up.
For some reason that’s when I started thinking about me being a forgiving person like my friend had told me I was. That day I realized that maybe I am a forgiving person. Maybe I forgive more than I should. Maybe I give people too many chances. But I feel as though I learned to forgive in order to move on. I think I learned a lot about myself and grown tolerant of people when mourning the death of my brother and dad. I learned to forgive myself for not saying what I should have said to Chava or Dad. I learned to forgive myself for not spending more time with them before they passed away. I learned to forgive the details of my mistakes when they were alive. Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to move on?! I think I have forgiven myself for a lot of things but I haven’t forgiven myself completely. And I don’t think I can. Who knows, maybe I never will. Maybe that’s why sometimes I feel stuck in that emotional fear and anxiety to losing a family member. To this day I still fear a single phone call from one of my sisters will be about someone dying in the family. As hard as that is to write, I admit it.
With Dad and Chava’s death, I remember every thought I had after they died. I was only 11 years old when Dad died, but I remember thinking about going to his gravesite at night. It was a few weeks after he died and I remember thinking about taking a shovel to his gravesite at night when no one was there, digging him up, open his coffin, and just hug him one last time. I knew he was dead and wasn’t coming back, but I wanted that last chance to give him one more hug. And the funny thing is, we all actually got a chance to do that at the hospital before the machines were taken away. But my last chance wasn’t enough.
When I was about to turn 15 and was planning my Quinceñera, I remember my sister Lupe taking me and my youngest sister to the cemetery to go see his gravesite. We usually went about once a week. We were there for a little while and when we were leaving I remember my sister Lupe telling me “When you walk down the aisle at church on your Quinceñera, make a little room for Dad so he can join you ok.” She didn’t see me because I turned away, but I couldn’t stop crying when she said that.
When Chava died, I remember feeling very scared. Everywhere I went and whoever I was with,
I felt terrified. (I never told anyone and some of these thoughts are all going to be new to my family members reading this so I apologize to you guys if this triggers any old feelings.) I couldn’t identify what I was afraid of but felt fear itself. I remember being very quiet and waiting for him to appear in front of me. It had been a few days after he died and I remember lying down on my bed in my room one night just staring at the popcorn ceiling at my mom’s house. I was 18 years old and I remember thinking to myself “Ok Chava, where are you? Are you there?” I don’t know why but I waited and waited for him to appear out of nowhere as if that’s what is supposed to happen. I remember feeling certain that he was going to appear and I didn’t want to miss it. But he never appeared.
There’s still a lot I can say about Dad and Chava. But I would need more than the space provided here. For now, I’d like to keep them in my dreams and in my prayers. Thank you for reading.
When I got to work and parked my car, I pulled out my phone from my purse and looked on the date it read. Friday September 24th was my late brother Salvador’s nine year death anniversary.
I was immediately overwhelmed with memories and started reflecting back on everything that happened. I find it strange that even after all this time I still feel the same pain I felt when he passed away nine years ago. Throughout the whole day I kept thinking about Chava (his knick name). But it’s a funny thing because I can’t think about Chava without thinking about my late father Rafael who passed away in 1995. All day I kept thinking about both of them and kept wondering what life would have been like if they were still here.
There’s this one piece footage we have on video cassette of the two of them together singing. I’m sure by now my family members reading this know which one I’m talking about. If I had it with me, I would put it on here for everyone to see because it is the most endearing moment between the two them during that 1991 Christmas party. The camera was facing them, they were facing a few family members, and each had one of their arms around each other’s opposite shoulder. I don’t remember the Spanish song they were singing but they were both serenading the family. In sync and in tune, they stood there showcasing their talent when suddenly and coincidently they both get stuck on the same line of the song because they didn’t know the rest of it. They paused to look at each other and everyone busted out laughing. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched it, but everytime I do it still cracks me up.
For some reason that’s when I started thinking about me being a forgiving person like my friend had told me I was. That day I realized that maybe I am a forgiving person. Maybe I forgive more than I should. Maybe I give people too many chances. But I feel as though I learned to forgive in order to move on. I think I learned a lot about myself and grown tolerant of people when mourning the death of my brother and dad. I learned to forgive myself for not saying what I should have said to Chava or Dad. I learned to forgive myself for not spending more time with them before they passed away. I learned to forgive the details of my mistakes when they were alive. Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to move on?! I think I have forgiven myself for a lot of things but I haven’t forgiven myself completely. And I don’t think I can. Who knows, maybe I never will. Maybe that’s why sometimes I feel stuck in that emotional fear and anxiety to losing a family member. To this day I still fear a single phone call from one of my sisters will be about someone dying in the family. As hard as that is to write, I admit it.
With Dad and Chava’s death, I remember every thought I had after they died. I was only 11 years old when Dad died, but I remember thinking about going to his gravesite at night. It was a few weeks after he died and I remember thinking about taking a shovel to his gravesite at night when no one was there, digging him up, open his coffin, and just hug him one last time. I knew he was dead and wasn’t coming back, but I wanted that last chance to give him one more hug. And the funny thing is, we all actually got a chance to do that at the hospital before the machines were taken away. But my last chance wasn’t enough.
When I was about to turn 15 and was planning my Quinceñera, I remember my sister Lupe taking me and my youngest sister to the cemetery to go see his gravesite. We usually went about once a week. We were there for a little while and when we were leaving I remember my sister Lupe telling me “When you walk down the aisle at church on your Quinceñera, make a little room for Dad so he can join you ok.” She didn’t see me because I turned away, but I couldn’t stop crying when she said that.
When Chava died, I remember feeling very scared. Everywhere I went and whoever I was with,
I felt terrified. (I never told anyone and some of these thoughts are all going to be new to my family members reading this so I apologize to you guys if this triggers any old feelings.) I couldn’t identify what I was afraid of but felt fear itself. I remember being very quiet and waiting for him to appear in front of me. It had been a few days after he died and I remember lying down on my bed in my room one night just staring at the popcorn ceiling at my mom’s house. I was 18 years old and I remember thinking to myself “Ok Chava, where are you? Are you there?” I don’t know why but I waited and waited for him to appear out of nowhere as if that’s what is supposed to happen. I remember feeling certain that he was going to appear and I didn’t want to miss it. But he never appeared.There’s still a lot I can say about Dad and Chava. But I would need more than the space provided here. For now, I’d like to keep them in my dreams and in my prayers. Thank you for reading.
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