A Little Poetry :)

Not too long ago, I was lucky to have a poem I wrote called “Visionary Bliss” be published in the San Marcos California State University annual Literary Magazine called The Palm. My sister once asked me “Ay Chena! How do you do it? How do you write what you write?” To be honest, I don’t even know. I feel like it comes very easy to me and I also feel like I can really emotionally connect my thoughts on paper. I might bite my tongue on this later on as I run out of ideas to write about, but for now, I feel like I can write an anthology. The one thing I hate about my writing is that I’m not as skilled as I would like to be in Spanish writing. I’ve tried writing poetry and songs in Spanish (for it being my first language and all) but I can’t seem to connect the same way as I do in English. If I had studied Spanish all throughout elementary to college, I would probably be just as good. But not to worry! One day I plan on being as good in Spanish as I am in English.

When I write, sometimes all I have to do is think about how I’m feeling, think about how someone else is feeling, and build a bridge of thoughts and words connecting both. This doesn’t always work, but for the most part, it has gotten me some pretty good pieces including songs. So anyway, the first poem you are about to read is the one that was published in The Palm Literary Magazine. I don’t quite have an explanation behind it, but I hope you can pick up the meaning of it. If you think you know what it is, leave me a comment.

The second poem below is called “I take it upon myself…” I literally wrote this poem less than two hours ago. When I get an idea for a poem or a song, I quickly have to write it down before I forget it. Usually, I’ll carry that idea for a couple of days until I can fully commit to try and finishing it. But for moments like today where I can actually keep on going and the words are just coming together, I take full advantage and finish it. And that’s just what I did. I hope you enjoy!

Visionary Bliss
By Jessenia Lua

I move my eyes to where the pigments meet
Defined by their natural beauty
Colliding together for your pleasure
His pleasure, her pleasure, their pleasure
Yet not appreciated what it does for everyone
Granted nature and euphoric joy
Blessed bliss with beautified coy

Derived from the spectrum of identifiable splendor
Creating orgasmic vibrations of visionary imperfections
Three dimensional worlds combining your substance
His substance, her substance, their substance
Effervescent grace among warm invitings
Reprimanded gestures of uncanny truths
Denying what should be to discovering youths

Layers of pastels and pedals crossing paths
The mist of rain falling on the covers of the body
Watery eyes among the question for your answer
His answer, her answer, their answer
Truth be told to everyone and to the oblivious soul
It’s a lie when I cry and look for your shoulder
Is my beauty truly in the eye of the beholder?


I take it upon myself…
By Jessenia Lua

I take it upon myself
To look beyond the social façade
To bypass the propaganda
And to live from my own agenda

I take it upon myself
To have self worth and imaginations
To steer free of complications
And reach final destinations

I take it upon myself
To believe in the power of me
To uncoil my insanity
And walk with dignity

I take it upon myself
To clear ambiguous eyes
To change cluttered minds
And reveal my true insides

I take it upon myself…
To believe in all His glory
To evade purgatory
And tell this side of the story

But most of all…

I take it upon myself…

I take it upon myself
To love whole-heartedly
To leave my legacy
And be known for curiosity

I've taken it upon myself

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAVA! GOD, I MISS YOU!!!

I’m about to blog about a very sensitive topic and for my family members who read this, I don’t mean for this to make you cry. I’m choking back tears as I begin to write this, so I know that this might emotionally affect you. I just want to recognize our late brother on his birthday because even though he’s not with us anymore, he is always (AND I MEAN ALWAYS) in our hearts.

To those of you who knew my brother, you simply knew him as Chava. Chava was his nickname but his real birth name was Salvador Lua. We, his family and close friends, never really called him Salvador because his nickname stuck to him very early on. There are just so many wonderful things I could say about Chava. He was a brother, a friend, a son, and a father. There isn’t enough space on this blog to say what I would really love to say about Chava, so I will have to shorten it up and hope to get the message across on how much we still love and miss him everyday.

Let me begin by saying that today Chava would have been 43 years old. I can just imagine what it would be like with him here today! The one thing that I can’t get out of my head if he was still here, is how much of a great father he would be to his daughter Miniquis.

Everyone in my family, distant or close relative, has a special place in my heart. But Chava won a solid spot in the center of my heart when our father died. When our father died, my mom was left with three young kids left in the house. It was my brother Edgar 13, myself 11, and my youngest sister Vanessa 7. Chava stepped in right away to help my mother. He became the father figure in our lives and never made us feel like we were missing that person. He taught me how to wire Christmas lights together, put up mini blinds in mom’s house, how to properly clean my huge fish tank he gave me, mow the lawn, check the oil in my first crappy car, and an array of things any father would teach his daughter. He yelled at me when I got in trouble, rewarded me when I did good, but most importantly, he loved me. He loved everyone in his family and you could see how proud he was to be with us. He was always there at every family birthday and made us feel complete after suffering the death of our father Rafael Lua.

When I finished high school (and this is the part that makes me cry) I came to this realization that he didn’t have to do all these things for me, my brother, and youngest sister. He didn’t have to be there for us the way he was. So after my high school graduation, I had decided to write a letter of appreciation to him thanking him for being there for us. I wrote that letter along with a few others to members of my family thanking them for being there for me during my journey in high school. But Chava’s letter was a bit deeper because of his effort to give us that father figure we lost. In that letter, I really wanted to make sure he knew how much I loved him and thanked him for being there. Three months later, he died.

Chava’s death was such a shock to everyone. I still remember that phone call from Poncho (My sister Mary’s husband). It was a Sunday afternoon September 23rd, 2001. I was painting my toenails in my bedroom when Poncho called asking for my mom. I didn’t think anything serious because he sounded casual on the phone, but when my mom hung up, she ran to her car. Her action alone gave me chills. Later on that day, we had all gathered at his house. I remember it was at his temporary house because he and his wife had just bought land and were constructing a new one so they were staying at a temporary home. I didn’t get to see him. I don’t think anyone else did. Almost everyone was outside in the front yard waiting to see what happened. I was sitting in the living room with my mom and sister Rosa when the paramedics brought him out in a gurney from the bathroom where he had fainted. The feeling one gets when seeing a loved one in a gurney is completely indescribable. All I remember is making this loud noise. It wasn’t like a normal cry, but a painful noise coming out of me. I shut my eyes and my sister Rosa grabbed my head and pulled me into her chest. I think I only caught two seconds of him on that gurney out of the 15 it took the paramedics to get him out of the house. I couldn't look any longer. I heard that same painful noise come out of the rest of my family members outside in the yard when they wheeled him into the ambulance.

This was the first I had heard of brain aneurisms. It took my brother’s life away.

Grieving for Chava was such a long road for everyone. I think some of us are still on that road. I remember not wanting to go to his wake because of the last memory I had of my dad. The last time I saw my dad was in his casket. I didn’t want to see Chava like that. I came really close to telling my sister Mary that I didn’t want to go, but I chickened out. I thought it would have been very selfish of me if I didn’t go and everyone else had to. Now, I remember him in his blue hat. So many people showed up at his memorial service. Old friends, new friends, old ladies who he fixed air conditioners for. After his funeral, I really saw my family fall apart. I remember seeing my sister Rosa crying in my brother Edgar’s room. The door was partly open and I could see her hands over her face crying nonstop while her husband comforted her. I remember the first Christmas without him. It felt like we tried too hard to celebrate the holiday but we couldn’t. We tried to take pictures, but there were too many tears in the photos. I still have that picture. Mary, Lupe, Rosa, Carmen and I all filled with tears in our eyes. Later on that night, I remember looking for my brother Edgar and finding him by himself crying leaning on a car down the street. I had never seen my brother Edgar cry, and seeing him like that just broke my heart. But most of all, I really saw my mom fall apart. Not too long ago I heard her talking to a friend on the topic of losing family members and I remember her saying “La muerte de mi esposo me dolio mucho, pero la muerte de mi hijo…” (The death of my husband hurt me so much, but the death of my son…) I didn’t hear her finish the sentence.

The date of his death is debatable. My mom says that she counts it the day he fainted which was on September 23, 2001 but he officially died in San Diego Scripps hospital September 24, 2001. Either way, we lost one hell of a person. I miss his trademark keys he always carried. Whenever you hear keys clinging, you can bet that it was him coming down. One of my funniest memories of him was when he was looking at a photo that was taken of Johana (My sister Rosa’s daughter) and me on a roller coaster at Knots Berry Farm. I hung the photo in my room and when he came in to say “hi” he saw the photo and could not stop laughing. Right next to that photo was one of my sister Rosa holding her son Giovani on another roller coaster. Both of them looked terrified and Chava could not stop laughing. He was laughing so hard that he was slapping his knee and bending over! Another funny memory of him was when I hit him with the bathroom door and caused him to bite his lip. I didn’t mean it! I was fixing my hair in my mom’s bathroom with the door partially closed. I saw a figure behind me through the mirror and I was thinking it was my brother Edgar coming in to bug me so I quickly kicked the door with my foot and tried to shut it before he came in. When he opened the door he said “Heeeeyyy, I was only trying to give you this!” It was a little chocolate gift for Valentine’s Day. I said “Sorry Chava! I thought it was Edgar trying to scare me!” He forgave me even though I made him bleed a little.

Not a single day passes by that I don’t think of him. It’s like it’s programmed in my mind to remember him. If you read this and knew Chava, please leave a comment with one of your best memories of him. I would love to hear it.

Happy Birthday Chava!
We love you!
We miss you!
We wish you were here with us!
Say “hi” to dad for us!
Heaven is just too damn far!

Love,
Your Sis,
Chena

It may almost be eight years since you left this earth, but the pain is as real as yesterday. I'll never forget you. I'll never stop loving you. I'll always have you in my heart.

It's your destiny.....Isn't it???

Whenever I think of the word destiny, I think of a life fully planned out. I think of destiny as the “one thing” that one individual is supposed to be doing in their life. I think of destiny as the purpose in someone’s life and fulfilling that purpose with the best of your ability. But does having a destiny erase the chance to do anything else in one person’s life? And, if everyone has a destiny and they find it, are they supposed to stick to that one thing only? Can we alter our lives based on what we learn or stick to our “destiny” because it’s what we are “supposed” to do? I believe in plans but I’m not so sure if I fully believe in a destiny. Some parts of me believe in having a destiny or fate, but parts of me doesn’t. One very strong reason why I “sort of” believe in destiny is that of a friend of mine named Andrea.

Although my memory of when I first met Andrea is questionable because I say I met her in 8th grade and she says we met in 7th, there’s no doubt in my mind that her and I were meant to be friends. Here are the reasons: 1) When we first became friends, we realized we only lived a short walk away from each other’s homes. 2) In high school we were given random ID numbers. Mine was 2293 and hers was 2294. Coincidence? I think not! 3) When seniors in high school are supposed to give their final senior project presentation, they are randomly selected in groups of four out of the entire 350 student class. Andrea and I were randomly picked to present at the same time. How funny is that? 4) It turns out that she has family in the same city (Central California) where I was born! And 5) In high school both Andrea and I developed crushes on two older guys that we absolutely fell in love with. Andrea’s crush was named Jesse and mine was Andy. How funny is it that my crush’s name was her nick name and her crush’s name was what people called me? Now, if that’s not destiny for her and I to be friends, I don’t know what is. To this day, I feel our friendship remains strong and although we have had our ups and downs, living together, living apart, fighting, getting along, I know that I am supposed to be her friend and she is supposed to be mine for the rest of our lives. I can’t imagine what my life would be without her. She has been such a great friend to me for so long that my family calls her “the adopted one.”

Now let me get back to the subject of destiny. I know I’m destined to have Andrea in my life as these little significant examples prove it, but if I’m destined to be a writer, does that mean that I can’t be destined to do something else? Also, when it comes to death, is one really destined to die at a certain time in their life? I don’t think so!!!

Syliva Brown has always said that before anyone is born, that person plans out their life, their plans, and their death. Now, I love Sylvia Brown and am fascinated by the predictions she has made in the past and the unsolved mysteries she helped solve. However, I have to completely disagree with planning out your own life before you are born. I disagree because I don’t think my brother planned to die at 35 and leave his wife and little girl behind. I think we are given this life to do what we can with it and as far as death goes, I don’t think anyone knows when they’re going to die. I believe that we are destined to be with the people we love but I don’t think that there is a single destiny each person has to fulfill. If that were true, then there would be no grounds to explore new things in life.

It’s like when people say that Elvis was destined to be a rock star. But how do we know he wasn’t destined to be something else as well? He probably knew he was destined to be a father and a husband but we only saw him as that beautiful rock star. But was he destined to die young? Who in the world would want to be destined to die young? Not me! This is why I say that each of us has more than one destiny. Life would be robbing us of wonderful experiences if that were true. We should keep a wondrous mind and should always be curious to what great things we can do. Never limit ourselves and each other. Never think you only have one destiny. Never say destined….

Now ask yourself, what is your destiny?
Or should I say….destinies?

My Love Letter

Ok so being 26 and single has it's ups and downs. For quite a while now I've been saying that I don't want to get married or have kids and that usually comes to a surprise with people who know me because I come from a pretty big family of married siblings with lots of kids. But just because I say that I don't want to get married or have kids, doesn't mean that I won't ever. I just feel like it's going to take the right man and the right moment in my life in order for that to happen. But for now, I don't see myself getting married and/or having kids. Anyway, dating can be challenging when one has certain expectations and although I like to think I have pretty decent standards, it all doesn't quite seem to come together. Yes, it can be frustrating but it can also be fun. So, I've taken a different approach to dating these days and just thought "let it be." I've never really looked for Mr. Right cause I'm not in a hurry to find him, however, that nagging question "is he, or isn't he?" always plays in my head like a broken record with anyone I've ever dated. So, since my new approach of "let it be" has come into play, I've decided to delete the phrase "is he, or isn't he" out of my mind permanently. From now on, dating will be a "let it be" type of thing. But!!! I do believe that someday I will end up with someone special and even though I don't know when that will happen, I know he is out there. So, I've decided to write him a love letter. It may be corny and sappy, but it comes from my heart. Enjoy...


Dear You,

Where the hell have you been? I have been waiting for you for so long. If you are reading this now, it means that you are there. You are in the position where many faceless men have been for so many years. You are in the fantasies and creative romantic imaginations that took me on journeys that Danielle Steel couldn’t even write about. You are who I day and night dream about. You are who I think about every single moment of my life. You are who makes me smile when you call my name or gently kiss my lips as we part our ways for the day. You are who gives me butterflies knowing you will be home when I arrive and ready to put your arms around me. Years will have past by the time you read this letter. But I wrote this letter because I knew one day you would arrive. No, I didn’t know when nor did I know who it would be, but dammit I knew that one day you would come. This is my love letter to you. And when you read it, I hope that we would have experienced many romantic and fun memories together. I hope to love you like I’ve never loved anybody else in this world. I hope to have these indescribable feelings come out of me that I didn’t even know I had. I hope to only share this letter with you and no other man. I prayed for you before I even knew you existed. I would hope you would pray for me before you even knew I existed. And when we finally meet, you realize that I am who you have been praying and looking for all along. At night when I would lay my head on my pillow and ask God to guide you to me, I’m hoping you were asking Him to guide me to you. And when we finally cross each other’s paths, I look over my shoulder, you look over yours, and we just know that this is exactly where we are supposed to meet. Then you realize that all the other ones before we met were for testing our patience. Everyone else was there to teach me how to value you even more. It doesn’t matter who I was with before or who you were with before because now I know it’s you. I learned to love you more because of who was in my past and you learned to love me more because of yours. All those heartaches and unfortunate times have made me stronger and helped me appreciate even more the person you are with me. And when we are with each other, we will understand that we were well worth the wait.

With Love,
Me