Woe To Me And My Freakin’ Money Problems :(

Ok so I have about a million ideas to blog about, but lately I haven’t had much of a drive to write about anything other than to woe in my current financial situation. Yes, it is embarrassing to discuss such financial matters but I’m sure I’m not hiding anything when I traded my free nights and weekends to a second job as a cashier at walmart. This isn’t to say that my Monday through Friday 9 to 5 job doesn’t pay well, because it does. I just fell into this deep hole of having to borrow from one of those cash advance places, pay them back, and then borrow again because I can’t fully pay them back in one spot. And the most embarrassing part of it all is that I have more than one advance. I won’t say how many because that is beyond my embarrassment tolerance level. I only told one friend and I trust her enough not to say anything. She has been there for me during my “I’m so freakin’ broke” crying fits. Heck, she was even listening to me cry about it last night! Thanks girl!

The thing that bothers me the most is that I don’t even remember how it got started. It’s like an endless evil cycle. Let me paint you a picture of how you can go from having one advance to…..well……more than one, cause I still won’t say how many I have. So, you’re short on cash and probably need about an extra $80 bucks or so to get you through your next paycheck. You probably wouldn’t have been short $80 bucks if you hadn’t gone out to eat so much, spent money on Mac makeup, or bought that shirt at Fashion Bug. You go to your nearest advance location and ask to borrow some money. If you qualify, and I did, you can borrow up to $300 dollars. However, their fee is $45 dollars, so in return you would only walk out with $255 dollars even though you only needed $80. Now you have all this extra money and are thinking “Hmmm…what to spend it on….” So by your next paycheck, you have to return to the advance location and pay them back those $300 dollars. Since you spent all that money, even though you were only looking for $80 bucks, you will have $300 missing from your next paycheck. That is a significant difference in someone’s paycheck, especially mine. So, you think: “I can’t afford to pay them back now, so I’ll borrow again.” So, you walk out with another $255 dollars but now you lost $45 dollars because of their fee. You don’t want to lose that $45 dollars, so you find another advance location to cover that missing gap. Yes, it’s silly because it’s only $45 dollars, but when you can’t afford to even miss that money, you find a way to cover it. AND, since you qualify for the maximum amount to borrow, you go ahead and take it all. So now, you got two advances from these loan places. So, you’re next paycheck comes and BAM! $600 dollars out of your check to pay for those two advance loans. You start to think: “Well, I can’t afford to pay off $600 dollars right now, so I’ll borrow again.” But this time, that $45 dollar fee goes up to $90 since you have two loans. You don’t want to lose those $90 bucks so you go to another payday advance location. And it just goes on and on until you can’t handle it anymore. Doing these bi-weekly routines has hit a heavy financial hole in my paychecks and quite frankly, my friends…….I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Hence: the second job at walmart to pay the advances off!!!

On top of all these advances and their stupid fees that have put me in a hole that seems impossible to dig myself out of, I’ve got other things to worry about. My rent, my utility bills, my mom’s bills, my tuition, my books, a project I will be working with a friend that will require heavy funding, and now for the cherry on top…..my freakin’ car. The moment I heard that clitter clatter and the sound of two metal pieces grinding together from the back of my car, I just lost it and began to cry. I couldn’t even concentrate in class last night. Tears were silently rolling down my face as I tried to read the lecture notes displayed on the professor’s projector. I was sitting there puffy-eyed and red-nosed stressed out over the fact that I literally have no money to pay whatever bill lies ahead of me including my car repair. I think the professor saw me crying, but I quickly put my head down. I sat there unable to concentrate so I started writing a prayer letter to God. I wrote in very small print so the student sitting next to me wouldn’t be able to read it and I also wrote it in Spanish just in case He didn’t get it in English. I wrote it hoping that He could hear me, read the letter, and help me get through this tough time. I’ve never felt so desperate before in my life. It is not a good feeling to have.

For those of you who have never been driven to tears due to the lack of money, let me explain it just a little. You feel as though you’ve run out of options and have nothing to turn to. All you see are these problems in front of you without any solutions. Nothing can change your mood. And, if you’re caught off guard by a joke you heard someone tell, you smile for a mere moment, but are quickly snapped back to your reality and continue in your pain.

I’ve gotten myself in these kinds of messes before, but nothing this big. And usually, my sister Mary is there to bail me out. But I don’t have the courage to ask for her help again. Also, I still owe her money from the last time she let me borrow. She has kindly deferred my payments to her until I can get on my feet again.

The only other person I talked to was my mother. When that grinding noise from my car wouldn’t go away on Monday, I just had to call my mom. I know my mom doesn’t have the money to help, but she has her heart. I sat there in my car trying to hold the sound of my crying voice telling her that I didn’t know what to do. That’s all I could say: “No se que hacer Ama. No se que hacer.” I know she wishes she could do more but there isn’t. It is so hard for me to ask for help. I don’t know why. I know I have other family members that will be there for me, but it’s unbelievably difficult to say “Hey, I need help. Can you help me?” Especially when it comes to money. I guess it’s because I’ve always tried to be the independent one. I’ve always wanted to prove that I can do well on my own and not need anyone. But, I learn that all of us fall every once in a while. We just need to hope that we are strong enough to pick ourselves up afterwards. So, we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you posted if you ask. Thanks for reading.

Oh and if you ask if I have learned my lesson? HELL – TO – THE – YEAH!!! The next time I don’t have $80 bucks, I just won’t have the freakin’ $80 bucks!!!