As We Come To A Close…..

2010 has been an interesting year for me. I feel as if I’ve had this sudden realization of what is going on in my life and what I want to do. I guess nothing brings you closer to that other than two hospital visits haha!! I’ve experienced an epiphany earlier this year that I’ve kept to myself because it’s too delicate for me to dissect and I’m not ready to do that or explain it just yet. I’ve reflected a lot on myself as whole person and have tried constant daily changes to commit to a change in my life that needs to be done. My daily struggles are still present but I feel like I’ve worked on them this year more than ever before. That’s why I somehow feel that I’m slowly developing into the person I want to and deserve to be. I’ve been able to pin point my faults and recognize them and the negative effects they have on my life. I’ve always believed that no one can move on with their life unless they know what it is what they need to move past from. And I feel like I’ve done that a lot this year. I wasn’t necessary looking for it, but I feel as if it was a path in my life that was crossed in fate (which is a whole other story because my theory in fate is unbalanced). I have felt an unspoken pressure about something with family and friends and maybe even some co-workers that remain silent for the sake of my feelings. But I know what it is and I appreciate the silence more than ever.

I’m nowhere near in my life now where I thought I would be ten years ago and have no one to blame that on but myself. I forgot what movie I heard this cheesy line from but I think it makes complete and total sense: “I have a vision of how I want my life to be. But life doesn’t care about that vision. Life goes on with or without your plans.” It makes sense to me because 10 years ago I never thought I’d be where I am today. I never thought I’d be working for the same company for the past 5 years - which is a blessing on its own and I feel very fortunate to have this job, but then again ten years ago I never thought I’d still be struggling with money (not that my job doesn’t pay me well because they do, it’s just my spending habits that I need to control in order to prevent money trouble), I never thought I’d still be perusing higher education, I never thought I’d still be living in California. I thought maybe by now I’d be working on my PhD. Or a famous singer/songwriter haha!!

If there’s anything that I’ve learned in my 27 and half years of life, it’s that the decisions you make each day is always the occurring domino affect of your present life. Each and every day we make decisions that come so natural to us. Especially when we choose the easy way out. But it’s those “easy way outs” that make you wonder about the “what if I chose this instead” moments. How could your life have been different if you chose the other option that day? What could have been different? And so I often ask myself that question all the time about everything. From school, to family, to lost ones, to the tiniest things that probably don’t matter to anyone else but myself. What if I had moved to L.A. to pursue singing instead of going to college? What if I moved to a foreign country to work right after I graduated college like I wanted to? What if I had pursued a relationship with that sweet man who told me he loved me? What if I gave him a chance? Would I have been married and had children by now?

Wondering about all of this initially makes me realize that in order to stick to my future plans, I must stick to the present ones. The further I push things away, the further they get out of reach. I’m not one to make New Year resolutions, but if I were to make one, it would be to do something meaningful every single day that would benefit me in my present and future life. Something that challenges me and something that will always benefit me now and later. I want my 2011 to be the year where I find my calling. And I think I got a hint of that from conversations with my friends and a Mr. Tom Sweeney, who I work with at my current job at Patriot Scientific. I don’t remember how this discussion came about but I had hesitantly decided to go back to school to earn a credential to become a high school English teacher focusing on writing. His response was “I think you would be perfect for that.” We continued to talk about the difficulties many ESL students go through and being that I grew up speaking Spanish and being in ESL programs throughout my elementary school years, students would really benefit me as their teacher since having to relate with their struggles. I was hesitant before, but now I’m convinced more than ever that this is what I should be doing. I remember working as a “writing consultant” for CSUSM’s writing center as part of an internship with a graduate course I took in my senior year. During my time there, I was surprised to see so many students struggling with their writing and I kept wondering to myself “how is it that you’re in college and don’t know how to write?” So I decided to be that stepping stone for students. I want to be the teacher that prepares them. So this is my goal for 2011. I still eventually want to earn a master’s, maybe even a PhD, but I think this will set my path in that direction. I also still want to work abroad and teach in foreign countries and live their cultures, but this is my first step.

So now that I have my goal set for 2011, let me highlight my 2010 year in review. The good. The bad. And the ugly!!

2010 Year In Review!

The Good

March:
Mari’s Birthday in Vegas. Enough said.

May:
My birthday. Every year I have so many family and friends that gather around me to celebrate my life. I am forever grateful for these people who mean so much to me.

June:
The move. I had so much help from all my closest friends who helped me move into my new place. I seriously couldn’t have done it without all of you.

My Roommate Felipe. A heart with legs and feet! I never knew this kind of person existed. I am so in love with the kind of person he is.

October:
Diego is born!! One of the many loves of my life!!

All Year Round:
My family and friends for always being there for me.

The Bad

March:
Found out I have a problem with my thyroid and have to take medication that makes me dizzy and nauseous.

Car got impounded due to expired tags, which led to being pulled over, which led to cop telling me my license was suspended, which led to an unpaid speeding ticket I had completely forgot about from the year before. Everything ended up costing over $1,500 dollars to get my car back. I had no idea how I was going to do it until I talked to my bosses at work and they advanced me the money to help. I tell you!! I have angels surrounding me!!

July:
Hospitalized. Article can be read here: http://chenasblog.blogspot.com/2010/08/ewww-what-is-that-should-i-go-to.html

December:
Food poisoning for the first time ever and hopefully the last. Enough said.

All Year Round:
Money. Always chasing the next paycheck. But not for long. New financial plan is set to prevent such stresses. Plan is on for paying back my sisters and mom for all their help in this next coming year of 2011. Thanks for all your help.

The Ugly

October – November:
Heartbreak. I forget how fragile the center beating drum in my chest is when you allow yourself to give in to someone. Mutual thoughts were discussed for keeping it casual to prevent heartbreak. But you proceed without caution when you fall for all the beautiful words he says only to pull the rug right from underneath you falling and hitting the floor hard. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much over anyone ever. And as mad as I was, I wish I hadn’t cried as much because he doesn’t deserve my tears. This time thinking it could be different only to end up the same as last year. Except for this time, I foolishly thought it’d be different. This time it could work. This time he was serious. This time………….he did it again. The funny thing about heartbreak is that when it doesn’t happen to you, you don’t think about it or anything related to that matter. But when it happens, you realize how lonely you are and all you want is for that person to come back. So you choose to move on with the daily reminder that you are alone. Everyday you think to yourself that you’re alone and you feel incredibly lonely. You may have friends and family around you but they won’t ever fulfill the part in your soul that he placed and took away. I remember saying to myself during this time “I wish I lived in a love song.” Because when the song ends, it just repeats. No room for the heartbreak. In particular it would be “Dime Mi Amor” by Pedro Fernandez. I could live forever in that song. But then again, heartbreaks can be good when they inspire beautiful poetry.

All in all it was an incredible year to say the least. I take away a greater sense of who I am and what I want to accomplish. It’s better than being a lost soul haha!! Say “I love you” like you’ve never said it before. Hug longer than you’ve ever hugged before. Smile to strangers, you never know it might make their day. And don’t forget your “please” and “thank you’s.” From me to you: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! Thanks for reading!!