A Conversation

Growing up Catholic and always attending church every Sunday made me appreciate the faith in God I have today. I have stated before that in my adult life I consider myself a Catholic, but not a practicing Catholic. I’ll go to church for major holidays and maybe go during a random weekend with my family when I’m visiting Brawley (my hometown). But it’s very rare I attend while living in North County San Diego. But just because I don’t go to church every Sunday and call myself a non-practicing Catholic, doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God or respect the Catholic church’s traditions. I understand that each religion has its own traditions, morals, and values. I respect that. However, a bit of a controversial subject has come up on more than one occasion. I remember the first time I ever spoke about this was with my college dorm roommate Kasey (pseudonym).

One night my two college dorm roommates and I were talking about sex and religion. Kasey had stated she was a born-again virgin and was going to stay celibate until marriage. I respected her for saying that, but I was caught off guard with what she said next. Kasey stated that with her new found faith in Christianity she was planning on staying celibate until marriage, but allows other acts of sexual pleasure with her partner such as oral sex. I really didn’t understand her statement for being celibate is the act of completely withholding from any kind of sex. She explained to me that (according to her) oral sex is ok as long as it's not intercourse. I still didn’t completely understand why oral sex was allowed and not intercourse, but I left it alone because it's her life and only she decides to live however she chooses. However, living here in North County and getting to know new friends in school or at other social gatherings, I’ve come to learn that many people who say they are Christians live by Kasey’s statement.

A few months ago I had this very same conversation with a friend of mine. Wanting to get a better understanding as to why oral sex is allowed but not intercourse in the faith of Christianity, the following text conversation took place between my friend David (pseudonym and an active Christian) and me.

Note: Text conversation is verbatim. Only changes made were grammar mistakes. Please hold your judgment on the conversation and just find the sense of humor behind it because I thought it was really funny!!

(David talking about a girl he was dating at the time)
David: She is waiting until marriage too. Has only gone as far as oral on a guy. Never had oral done on her. Only oral on two boyfriends.
Me: Why is it ok to do oral for you and not go all the way? You’re committing the same act just in a different hole!!
David: It is different. Intercourse is more intimate. Also, to avoid pregnancy. I think you shouldn’t do oral at all until marriage but it is hard to wait.
Me: It’s not different. In the sense of pregnancy - yes, but in the sense of intimacy and “not the same as sex” bull shit! It’s not! Your bodies are responding the same way whether orally or through intercourse. It is not a loop hole into saving yourself for marriage. You want to save yourself for marriage then don’t do anything at all. Saying that you’re saving yourself for marriage but doing oral is a big time contradiction. And the person is being a hypocrite. I think I might blog about this.
David: You do have valid points, but having someone inside you is more intimate. One has more of a broken heart if it doesn’t work out if they go all the way.
Me: You can do whatever you want. People don’t have to follow sex with their religion and are not obligated to. They could if they want. But it still doesn’t make sense because either way you’re “inside” someone (literally speaking).
David: You are right. I will just wait so I’m not a hypocrite.
Me: Too late. You can no longer say you’re saving yourself because you have said you’ve done oral. Now, instead, you should say you’ll stay celibate until marriage. And that’s the TRUTH!!! Muahhahahaha!!!
Me: Mr. Truth man!!
Me: What’s the matter? Did the truth scare ya? (at this point he hadn’t responded back and I was teasing him by calling him Mr. Truth man because he claims to only speak the truth out of whatever controversial arguments we have)
David: I’m still a virgin.
Me: That’s true. But sexually, you’re celibate.
David: I guess
Me: No you don’t guess. It’s the TRUTH HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
David: What is the truth?
Me: That you’re no longer waiting to get married to be with a woman. You already acted in a sexual manner with one even though it wasn’t intercourse. You, my friend, are a virgin who is sexually celibate. But you’re only celibate if u decide to not engage in anymore sexual oral acts with women before your marriage.
David: Well I’m not going to do anything sexual until marriage.
Me: Good for you! But if you somehow give in and do some oral or even have sex, it’s ok. God isn’t going to be mad at you. Sex is as natural as the rain that falls!! Embrace it. You can keep your religion and have sex too ya know!
David: Ok, I agree with you.

So as you can tell from our conversation above, do what you want and believe what you want. I don’t really care if you’re a Christian who only allows sexual oral pleasure with your partner as long as it’s not intercourse because you think only oral sex before marriage is “ok.” I was only trying to prove a point to David because we often get into controversial arguments where he “thinks” I’m wrong. So be a Christian, be a Catholic, be a Baptist, be a virgin, or not. Just live your life however you want. I’m no one to judge. Oh but please be safe. Because if you catch something, you spread something!! Thanks for reading!!

A Conversation Part Deux

I don’t consider myself to be a hard-core feminist. I would say I’m mildly a feminist. I believe in women’s lib and women’s rights but I’m not as dedicated as some. My youngest sister, on the other hand, is by far a strong feminist and I’ve definitely learned a lot from her. I’ve never told her this but she has definitely inspired me to be a better person and a stronger woman. I have no idea where she got it from, being that she’s the baby of the family. Maybe it was from seeing our mother change into an independent strong woman after the death of our father. Either way, after studying Women’s Studies in college and seeing how far women have come, I will always be a supporter of strong independent women.

Another controversial conversation that took place between my friend David (pseudonym) and I was about the higher amount of women in colleges and enforcing affirmative action for men. Here what follows is that conversation verbatim. Only changes made were grammatical errors.

David: Since now there are more women in college and more women in law schools should there be affirmative action to help men?
Me: Hell to the NO!!!!
David: So it was ok when there was affirmative action for women?
Me: Yes because it was only a world dominated by men before affirmative action for women. Did you think anything was wrong?
David: Well now if women start dominating is that fair?
Me: Yes because then it would be an equally driven world.
David: So schools should deny women spots instead and put men in those spots?
Me: Just like marriage it should be equal to everyone even gays. But on schools people should be accepted based on qualifications, not gender.
David: So when men had better scores than women but because of affirmative action then men were denied was good? Liberal double standard again.
Me: Sounds like you’re saying that women aren’t intellectually respected. Sounds like u really have a problem with equality.
David: I never said women aren’t respected. I don’t have a problem with equality. You do. You don’t want schools to have the equal number of men and women.
Me: When men had the higher score back then it was because women were denied education, and now you’re getting scared because women are moving up.
David: Nope. I think that the best person should get the spot. Always did. You have changed your mind now that it benefits you.
Me: Changed my mind about what?
David: You believed in affirmative action. If it was done to put men and women at the same number you would be against it.
Me: No that’s not what I said. I believe in affirmative action to help women succeed and be equal in a male dominated world because women were always denied the rights of men.
David: So if women start dominating legal fields that is different than when men did?
Me: Yes because BACK THEN WOMEN WERE DENIED EDUCATION!!!! If the man doesn’t get a spot in any field today it’s because he wasn’t good enough!! THE WOMAN IS SMARTER!!!!

Looking back at this conversation, I can see two really stubborn people fighting for their sides and think it’s kind of funny!! But in all seriousness, I think it would be a really dumb and stupid idea to have affirmative action for men in colleges just because they are being out-numbered by women. I’m sorry if that offends anyone, but it’s just the way I feel. It seems like David didn’t understand my reason for supporting that. Women’s lib and feminism opened all the doors to opportunities women have today. Back when women were denied the right to vote and the right to an education, men dominated everything. What kind of affirmative action can be given to men when they have always had the right to do everything? If women are out-numbering men in colleges and in legal fields, it’s because they are smarter. Ok I know that totally sounds childish but it holds a little truth to it. I haven’t done the research so I can’t truly say that this is accurate but from what little I have read on the subject, it’s apparent that women do out-number men in colleges. Including the one I attended. I wonder why some men are threatened by that. Besides, many educational institutions are still run by men who set quotas to keep an equal number of men and women. And this is still a very male driven world. I wonder how many bruised egos I’ll get to make fun of when a woman president is elected. Oh well. I can dream can’t I?!! Thanks for reading!!

By the way, I really love this picture!

9 Years. Forgive?

Last Friday, the 24th of September, I woke with a feeling of something missing. I remember waking up, getting ready for work, and trying to find what was bugging me that I just couldn’t remember. Still confused, I got in my car to start heading for work and out of nowhere I began to think about a conversation I had with a friend a few days prior. Based on the conversation we were having, she told me that I must be a way more forgiving person than herself. It got me thinking about how I reflect myself towards others in moments of forgiveness.

When I got to work and parked my car, I pulled out my phone from my purse and looked on the date it read. Friday September 24th was my late brother Salvador’s nine year death anniversary.

I was immediately overwhelmed with memories and started reflecting back on everything that happened. I find it strange that even after all this time I still feel the same pain I felt when he passed away nine years ago. Throughout the whole day I kept thinking about Chava (his knick name). But it’s a funny thing because I can’t think about Chava without thinking about my late father Rafael who passed away in 1995. All day I kept thinking about both of them and kept wondering what life would have been like if they were still here.

There’s this one piece footage we have on video cassette of the two of them together singing. I’m sure by now my family members reading this know which one I’m talking about. If I had it with me, I would put it on here for everyone to see because it is the most endearing moment between the two them during that 1991 Christmas party. The camera was facing them, they were facing a few family members, and each had one of their arms around each other’s opposite shoulder. I don’t remember the Spanish song they were singing but they were both serenading the family. In sync and in tune, they stood there showcasing their talent when suddenly and coincidently they both get stuck on the same line of the song because they didn’t know the rest of it. They paused to look at each other and everyone busted out laughing. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched it, but everytime I do it still cracks me up.

For some reason that’s when I started thinking about me being a forgiving person like my friend had told me I was. That day I realized that maybe I am a forgiving person. Maybe I forgive more than I should. Maybe I give people too many chances. But I feel as though I learned to forgive in order to move on. I think I learned a lot about myself and grown tolerant of people when mourning the death of my brother and dad. I learned to forgive myself for not saying what I should have said to Chava or Dad. I learned to forgive myself for not spending more time with them before they passed away. I learned to forgive the details of my mistakes when they were alive. Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to move on?! I think I have forgiven myself for a lot of things but I haven’t forgiven myself completely. And I don’t think I can. Who knows, maybe I never will. Maybe that’s why sometimes I feel stuck in that emotional fear and anxiety to losing a family member. To this day I still fear a single phone call from one of my sisters will be about someone dying in the family. As hard as that is to write, I admit it.

With Dad and Chava’s death, I remember every thought I had after they died. I was only 11 years old when Dad died, but I remember thinking about going to his gravesite at night. It was a few weeks after he died and I remember thinking about taking a shovel to his gravesite at night when no one was there, digging him up, open his coffin, and just hug him one last time. I knew he was dead and wasn’t coming back, but I wanted that last chance to give him one more hug. And the funny thing is, we all actually got a chance to do that at the hospital before the machines were taken away. But my last chance wasn’t enough.

When I was about to turn 15 and was planning my Quinceñera, I remember my sister Lupe taking me and my youngest sister to the cemetery to go see his gravesite. We usually went about once a week. We were there for a little while and when we were leaving I remember my sister Lupe telling me “When you walk down the aisle at church on your Quinceñera, make a little room for Dad so he can join you ok.” She didn’t see me because I turned away, but I couldn’t stop crying when she said that.

When Chava died, I remember feeling very scared. Everywhere I went and whoever I was with, I felt terrified. (I never told anyone and some of these thoughts are all going to be new to my family members reading this so I apologize to you guys if this triggers any old feelings.) I couldn’t identify what I was afraid of but felt fear itself. I remember being very quiet and waiting for him to appear in front of me. It had been a few days after he died and I remember lying down on my bed in my room one night just staring at the popcorn ceiling at my mom’s house. I was 18 years old and I remember thinking to myself “Ok Chava, where are you? Are you there?” I don’t know why but I waited and waited for him to appear out of nowhere as if that’s what is supposed to happen. I remember feeling certain that he was going to appear and I didn’t want to miss it. But he never appeared.

There’s still a lot I can say about Dad and Chava. But I would need more than the space provided here. For now, I’d like to keep them in my dreams and in my prayers. Thank you for reading.