Ever tried falling asleep with a broken heart?

It sucks. It’s strange the things we humans feel when going through heartbreak. It’s not easy. You feel so small like everything in your little world is blurred spinning around you while the only thing in focus is you and your slow misery of pain. A perfect way to describe it for me would be as if I was inside the center of a tornado; in the middle of its’ core where everything is absolutely still and the chaos is spinning all around you. Everything you see/hear/touch/do is completely chaos and you’re sitting right in the middle of it watching everything around you fall apart. Well, this is what it’s like for me at least.

I don’t usually talk/write about personal stuff like this but when something consumes and overwhelms me, I feel that by me writing about it, it becomes my own therapeutic outlet to move past it and let go. So here I go…….

I’m going to tell you about someone I’ve known for almost two years. His name will remain anonymous for the sake of his privacy. No one in my life really knows too much of him, except a couple of close friends who’ve I’ve talked about him with. I’m not going to tell the whole story because I still want to keep most of it private; but only include the bits and pieces that led to the decision I made this past Tuesday night. And before you wonder to yourself "Why write about him?" here’s my explanation: He has taken up a good chunk of my life and he’ll be a part of my history. This blog is my history. Someone doesn’t just hang around in your life for almost two years and be completely forgotten about. I know when I’m older I’ll be thinking "Oh yea, I remember him. I wonder how he’s doing" and just let go of that thought as I’ve done with other people I no longer keep in contact with today. I’m not trying to pull a Kelly Summers, the woman who youtubed her entire broken heart until she was finally over her ex. That’s not the case here. Not to sound cliché, but this chapter is over and done with at the end of this blog.

I met him in the summer of 2009 and as cliché (again) as it may sound, I felt an instant connection to him. From the moment we met, it felt like he was saying all the right things to win me over. I have always been very cautions when it comes to dating, as those who have lived with me know, because I never want to be taken advantaged of, used, hurt, manipulated, etc. The list goes on and on. But I had decided that since he was being what I thought was genuine with me, then I’ll be genuine with him. I thought maybe this guy was worth the risk. So I jumped.

I remember being in bliss that summer. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. We had many things in common and our conversations were endless it seemed. I would even go over my limit on text messages on my cell phone all the time from texting so much, which I had to cool down on quickly because my work pays for it and I didn’t want to add any additional fees. But the bliss was short-lived. A few months after we met, right before that New Year’s Eve, he sent me a text message telling me he had been dating someone else for a while and wanted to see how it goes with her. Five days before that text message he asked me when we were going to get together again. I thought, well she must be something else to drop me so quickly and go to her in those five days. He asked if we could still be friends and I nonchalantly agreed, said it was fine, and wished them the best. That day I cried all day at work and well into the night. There was nothing I could do. But with time, I got over him.

The next year and a half was all but the same repetitive pattern with him. It’d start by a simple email or a text saying hello and he’d be right back in my life. We would carry on as if nothing ever happened. Each time he’d disappear from my life, I’d be just as heartbroken and each time we started talking again, I’d be just as stupid to let him back in. I never told him how much he hurt me each time he did that. Every time he would say "Sorry for being out of touch I’ve been so busy" I would respond "Oh it’s ok. I understand." But the truth was that I didn’t understand. I hated that he would come back into my life, make me feel like I’m flying high in the sky because of everything he tells me, and then totally disappear for weeks. There were times where it was so good that it felt never ending. And I would ask myself how does such an unbelievably strong feeling for someone just stop the next day? Does he get bored? How do I keep him from changing the way he felt about me yesterday? Because I truly believed he was honest and genuine about the way he felt about me. I don’t play these dating games and it honestly felt like I was in one. I even tried ignoring him once and he continuously tried to get a hold of me. I’m not going to lie, I liked the little power I had knowing that maybe he felt what I felt every time he disappeared on me. I would think "Oh you’re worried? Good! Maybe now you know how it feels!!" But like the fool that I was, I gave in.

I was always afraid of telling him how much I hated it when he would disappear on me. When I say disappear, I mean no calls, no texts, no emails, etc. instantly. And I hated every minute of it. I finally got fed up with it after the last time we saw each other he disappeared again. Not right away, but a couple weeks afterwards. I wanted to confront him. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to yell it to his face "Make up your fucking mind about me!!" I wanted to call him so he could hear my voice. I wanted him to hear how fragile it sounded and how un-composed it would sound if I were to try to talk to him feeling the way I felt. But instead I wrote the longest email I’ve probably ever written in my life. But just like most guys like him, he had an explanation for everything. Same excuses from before. And they always felt so sugar-coated so that I wouldn’t be so upset over it. After that email, I thought that was going to be the last of us and I was ok with it.

Almost three months had gone by since that exchange of emails. And still I thought about him a lot. Probably everyday. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I emailed him again. I wanted to know how he was doing and to apologize for that last email I sent him. This was around the end of February of this year. I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t sure if he was going to respond, but he did. After a few "I’m sorry" exchanges we picked right back up like before. And just like before, he was gone.

If I could summarize a dialogue between us in the time we have known each other, it would seriously go something like this: Him – "I want to be with you" Me – "I want to be with you too." Him – "I want to be with you, just not right now. But can we be friends?" Me – " Sure." Him – "I want to be with you" Me – "I want to be with you too." Him – "I want to be with you, just not right now. But can we be friends?" Me – " Sure." etc. I feel that with him asking me to still be in his life and be his friend it’s like asking me to be an option for him. I don’t want to be anyone’s option. I want to be someone’s priority. He never gave me the chance to fall in love him, but I think if he did, then maybe I could have. One time when everything was going really good I even felt like saying it to him, but I was afraid of what he might think if I did. I feel like he kept me at an arm’s reach just so he can have me whenever he felt like it; meanwhile I’m patiently waiting for him to commit to me. But he never did and I got tired of waiting.

We were having our usual conversation last Tuesday when something in me just told me to stop. Tears were beginning to form in my eyes when I realized this is as far as it’s going to get with him. I knew at that moment that if he really and honestly wanted me in his life, he would have done something to keep me in his life everyday and not just periodically. So as nervous as I was and as much as it hurt, I cut all ties with him. Deleted his emails, text messages, and phone number and told him I just needed to stop and not have him in my life anymore. He asked for me to think about still being a part of his life and I refused. I refused because it’ll just remind me of everything. I wish I could stay in his life as a friend if not at all, but my heart hurts too much to do that. If he could just feel one single ounce of my heartbreak, maybe he would really understand why I can’t be his friend.

Needless to say Tuesday night was the worst night. I've never felt more pathetic in my life. Laying on my bed in the dark with just the sound of my fan circulating the air in the room. Crying my eyes out all night letting my pillow catch every tear wondering what he’s doing or if he even feels any remorse for anything. On repeat I was listening to Adele and Etta James sing the lyrics of my life to this guy I was always so hopeful for. I’m not this type of person to be so consumed and overwhelmed by a guy. I always go by my rule of "If he doesn’t want me, then on to the next" but I couldn’t do that with him. I couldn't because he always kept pulling me back in. There’s just something different about him. I just hope I don’t spend too much time thinking about him and trying to get over him all the while he isn’t even thinking about me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I wish he could feel what I feel. I wish he could understand. I wish he knew what it’s like for me.

But not all time and emotion was wasted. I've actually written poems inspired from all of this. I’ve posted them on here before. The first one is titled "Waves" which I feel depicts what I went through with him. The other one is titled "Yearn". I've never explained where I got the idea to write both of them, so now you know. Heartbreak is a funny thing isn’t it? In a dark hour you can create art. I’ve been single most of my life and hardly think about or feel lonely because I don’t depend on someone for my happiness. My happiness comes within me and the love I have for friends and family and life itself. But it isn’t until after heartbreak of this kind that makes me feel lonely. I think it's because that space in your soul where you held a special person in is suddenly emptied and there's nothing to fill that space when it's gone. Right now that space in me is empty. But I'll come back. I’ll be back to myself again. Soon. Thanks for reading.